Who Does Michael Phelps Really Date?

Praying for a boy/boy encounter with Michael Phelps, and other wooden dreams By Michael Musto

Meanwhile, possible love-child maker John Edwards's indiscretions have lent the Enquirer much credibility for breaking the story, but I was astounded to read that as the rag gains honor, its popularity keeps plummeting. I guess the readers feel: "This shit is true? I'm not reading this garbage anymore!"

Keep reading my garbage as I take you to an upscale lunch at Brasserie Ruhlmann for Discovery Channel's Into the Unknown with Josh Bernstein, who's sort of their Indiana Jones, but younger. And what's the wildest adventure Bernstein's had so far? An anal probe by aliens? Almost. "I went to the Arctic to learn about dynamic ice structures," Bernstein told me. "I lived with five guys in a small hut with no toilet. We all crapped in one five-gallon bucket." That made the corpse mummification in Papua New Guinea look like a church outing with the Jonas brothers.

I used an actual bathroom at the Cutting Room on exotic 24th Street in between grilling Tommy Chong about his puffy (get it?) book, Cheech and Chong: The Unauthorized Autobiography. So take an imaginary hit of Pineapple Express and brace yourselves for another Q&A, folks. Me: Hey, Chong, in your book, you say you'll never work with Cheech again. But I see you're going on tour together once more. Did they dangle some lovely bucks in front of you? Chong: It's to sell books. I didn't think we could work together again. But I won't rewrite the book. It's from the heart. Me: What exactly was your main problem with Cheech? Chong: I was a control freak. Me (confused): How awful of him! Anyway, why are today's drug films always set in the past? Chong: It's a reference point. But drugs are better now. They come faster and you have messengers bringing them. In the '70s, when you had someone bring you the drugs, they stayed for days and you couldn't get rid of them. Me: Today, they just swipe your credit card and leave. Why were you thrown in jail? I know you sold souvenir bongs, but why did they target you so vehemently? Chong: Because I'm anti-Republican and anti-Bush, and while others went into hiding about it, I came out. Me: Did you at least get sex in the clink? Chong: No. No one came after me—because I'm too old. After a while, I was ready for it!

And now I'm ready for Michael Phelps. Come on, honey, please touch me tomatoes.

musto@villagevoice.com

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