Eva Mendes' Underwear Scene and Madonna's Strap-On!

And inside the women in Towelhead. Plus Rockwell paints a fucked-up Casanova.

And they've got pathos, too. At Beige, the sight of birthday drag queen Sultana being stuck with the check for a table of 20 friends who'd gone, leaving behind uneaten pieces of cake, was indelibly poignant, but she was going to charge it to her business anyway. I was almost tempted to do a Roger Friedman and yell, "I'll buy that for you!" I said almost.

Over at OW Bar, singer Nick Scotti was lamenting the fact that he hadn't been more of a whore in the early days when it would have been a piece of cake. "I could have fucked Seymour Stein, Valentino, and Madonna," he reminisced. Well, why not stick it in Madge? "Too easy," he said, laughing. Then couldn't you have at least given up some ass? "She did want to strap one on," he claimed. Always a gentleman, he passed on that.

Desperate for new frontiers, I journeyed all the way to East 92nd Street to the Tool Box, which I'd been told was a seedy gay bar and therefore well worth the nosebleed. Alas, at prime time on a Wednesday, the petite dive had about six people in it, and they all seemed surlier than Sarah Palin when a polar bear lives. (Sidebar: I don't know if he's gay, but in certain photos, Track Palin sports some serious gayface. Discuss.) Downstairs, one guy was making loud noises in the bathroom, and I assumed he was having a hell of a movement. But he finally sheepishly emerged with someone else! His manager?

Judith Light makes converts at the Chelsea.
Andy Kropa

Judith Light makes converts at the Chelsea.

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And finally, I only went to the loo five times during the VMAs (no, Jim David wasn't invited), so I managed to catch the almost-funny Russell Brand telling the crowd to vote for Obama as Britney no doubt thought, "In which category?" At other points in the Sarah Palin–friendly show, I was thrilled to learn that the glorified hooch dancers known as the Pussycat Dolls believe in God, that Kanye can't be seen in the light right now, that accused rapist Kobe Bryant can be dressed up like a bridegroom, and that the Jonas brothers are proud virgins. But wait, where did I hear that before? Oh, yeah, Britney! Never mind.

musto@villagevoice.com

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