Joining the Mile High Club Just Got Easier

Now that airlines offer WiFi on flights, try cybersex at 30,000 feet.

Ever wanted to join the Mile High Club, but couldn’t find a stewardess who was willing to squeeze into that itsy-bitsy airplane bathroom with you? Well, thanks to airborne WiFi, now you too can have your chance to get off at 30,000 feet.

American Airlines recently announced they'll be providing full access wireless internet on their flights between New York, Los Angeles, and Miami. For only a few bucks more than a mediocre boxed sandwich, passengers with laptops can pass their in-air time doing… whatever it is people do online. Apparently American Airline flight attendants are worrying, not rejoicing, over the new development, however. Why? Because they're afraid that flyers will use their airborne internet access to pass the hours between take off and landing looking up "seedy" websites. That’s right: mile-high porn.

While cart-pushers may be getting their uniform panties in a twist about the sites their passengers visit, I'm busy thinking of all the possibilities for having fun with in-flight smut. The best use of airplane WiFi I can think of, for example: airplane cybersex.

Sure, getting it on online while soaring high above the American Midwest wouldn't be that different from doing it at anywhere else – well, any other crowded, public place where people can see what’s on your screen, that is. Still, there's something undeniably novel about roaming a chat room for a playmate, describing something dirty you'd like to do to that stranger, then being able to admit that you’re currently in an airplane. An airplane! Novelty aside, cybersex would be a great way to pass the time to your destination—and it's so much more entertaining that in-flight movie. Antitrust again?

So, should someone acquire the balls to bring this dream of mine to fruition, here are some tips for entering the cybersex Mile High Club:

1) Remember: the people around you can see. For the next five hours, or however long you have before you hit the tarmac, what’s on your screen is public. There are people sitting next to you, people sitting behind you. I can’t be the only unassuming airline passenger who reads what I see on other people’s laptops. Maybe you like the idea of fellow flyers listening in (or seeing in, as the case may be) on your sexual internet encounters, you naughty exhibitionist. If you prefer to keep your online life more secret however, be sure to get a window seat. For additional coverage, casually hold up a folder or a book, which will act like a blinder.

2) Pick your row-mates wisely. Chances are you have no choice when it comes to whom you sit next to. If you do though, aim away children. Not only will the filth you’re into burn their delicate, angelic eyes—if they’re old enough to read, that is—they squirm a lot and stare with a lot less reservations at whatever it is you’re doing. Also, it’s creepy to get turned on strapped into a seat six inches away from someone’s kid. Come on now.

3) Please, don't touch yourself in your seat. Talking dirty online is all well and good, especially at altitudes that pop eardrums, but the fun stops at public masturbation. The idea of spending five hours beside a wanking perv —and I don't use that term lightly—isn't pretty. You wouldn't want it to happen to you, so don't make it happen to someone else, no matter how sexy and relaxed you feel. Think of cybersex as an intellectual pursuit, save that pragmatic itch for later, or just hit up the bathroom (see below).

4) Your blanket is your friend. Women get it easy when it comes to public arousal. As long as he doesn’t read the chat transcript on your screen in which you beg to be tied up and licked, women, that businessman sitting next to you in coach will most likely never know when you are or aren’t incredibly turned on. Men have a harder time of concealing their interest, especially in such close quarters. This is where the complimentary blankets come in. No, they are not for jerking off under. But they do conveniently add layers to a lap that might otherwise attract attention. For even more concealment power, try a complimentary pillow.

5) Make your exit to the bathroom discrete. Should you decide to get up and use the bathroom for the purposes of relieving some of that tension, do be discrete. Remember that, especially if you’re sitting in the window seat, you’ll need to squeeze past other passengers to get out. Then there’s the little aisle of staring flyers you have to walk down. That means no massive bulges when you work to the itsy-bitsy bathroom where Mile High members are normally made. Etiquette, people, etiquette.

 
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