Why Tyler Perry Isn't Doing a Woman, Plus Harry Potter Horses Around

And Mamet books Broadway revivals, and several people reveal altered states.

As for closets, Tyler Perry told me about the cinema-ready skeletons that lurk in his family's. "Everybody has someone in the family that preys on them," he said. "The more successful I become, the more I'm realizing who they are." They? So there's more than one? "So far it's one," he clarified. Oh, and there's also just one lady for Perry. When I asked if he considered playing the Alfre Woodard role, he said, "No. I do only one woman—Madea. If it's not a Madea movie, I'm not doing a woman." As opposed to Eddie Murphy: If it's not a Dreamgirls movie, he's not doing a man.

All pause now for a gender-specific gossip break: I hear that at the Project Runway finale shooting, Bravo biggie Andy Cohen walked in with Broadway stud Cheyenne Jackson and they sat together and talked for days. Discuss.

No, wait, this is better. Anderson Cooper. Jonathan Chase. Discuss at length.

Minus his entourage, Jeremy Piven prepares to meet his Mamet.
Willie Davis/Veras

Minus his entourage, Jeremy Piven prepares to meet his Mamet.

But back to the column: I finally figured out why Sundays at Hiro are always so freakin' crowded. Hairdressers take Monday off! . . . While we're teasing, let me tell you what I heard a wildly coiffed queen at the Ritz gurgle to explain his 'do: "As Tammy Faye Baker said, 'The bigger the hair, the closer to God!' "

At Beige, well-tressed club-kid-era survivor Jenny Talia told me she's been looking for a guy lately. Twenty seconds later, I caught her making out with Misstress Formika. And yes, that's a guy! The same night, kamikaze she-male Logan Hardcore enlightened me that he spent the whole summer in Fire Island and even brought his mother there for four days. "She drank everything in sight, no matter what color," said Logan. "She needs rehab now."

Speaking of which, despite my bad joke before, those three little maids Lindsay, Britney, and Paris all seem to be as pulled together as hair extensions these days. Lindsay is glowingly in love, Britney is a multiple award winner, and Paris hasn't been to jail in over a year. This is so . . . fucking boring! Please screw up again, girls! Things won't be any fun if you're going to be all behaved and shit. I have no career if y'all do have a career. Come on, kill a caribou or something. Sit on the face of a pig with lipstick. No, wait, blind a horse! Naked!

musto@villagevoice.com

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