By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES [March 21–April 19] Writing in The New York Times, Paul Krugman waxed snide as he described the mindset of the U.S. Congress: It "has always had a soft spot for 'experts' who tell members what they want to hear." It's very important that in the coming week you avoid that kind of behavior. Seek out people who have a track record for intelligent objectivity and ask them to tell you what you might not want to hear. Solicit insights from thoughtful types who aren't inhibited about giving you their perspectives on what you're doing. It's Feedback Season.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] "Dear Rob Brezsny: I am Chandra Gupti, born May 16, 1979, in New Delhi. Right now, I am not well settled due to searing problems and swampy hurt. Day by day, my position goes down lower and darker, with no lantern or rope ladder. So please tell me how long this foolish suffering period will further corrode my hope. Give me at least a thousand answers that will heal every test and trial as soon as possible. I will lie in bed until you reply. Thank you. —Unraveled Taurus." Dear Unraveled Taurus: I love you with all my heart and soul and mind. I have adored you since the beginning of time and will worship your gorgeous genius until eternity changes into infinity. Dear All the Other Tauruses in the World: Everything I just told Unraveled Taurus I now say to you as well. (PS: A divine tinkerer will offer you a lantern and rope ladder within 10 days. Hold on.)
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] Maybe you have never been able to fly before today, and maybe you won't be able to fly when November arrives, but I bet you can fly now. Due to the benevolent cosmic agitation that has been lightening your mood, you can probably, if you choose, soar over logjams, dance above dark clouds, and do loop-de-loops in your dreams. Am I merely speaking metaphorically? Yes and no. Is a spiritual orgasm "metaphorical"?
CANCER [June 21–July 22] One of the most famous pop culture icons in Indonesia died last July. Mak Erot, who was over a hundred years old, was renowned for her skill in helping men develop bigger penises. The story was that she used nothing more than prayers and herbs, but there are hints that she also had supernatural powers. She's your patron saint this week, Cancerian, even if you're a woman. Call on her inspiration to help you lengthen and strengthen your inner, metaphorical phallus, by which I mean your will to accomplish your dreams.
LEO [July 23–August 22] Popular conceptions of Jesus depict him as bearded and long-haired. Not so, declares fundamentalist Pastor Jack Hyles on his website. He says Christ was clean-shaven and had a pixie-cut hairstyle parted in the middle and curled up at the ends. However, I believe his evidence is flimsy—just as I find no merit in his implication that Jesus was a stuffy, prudish right-winger who loved rich white men best and taught that we should eliminate people we disagree with. So, I'm sticking with my image of Jesus as a peaceful hippie who didn't own property, hung out with social outcasts, and loved everyone, even his enemies. I bring this to your attention, Leo, in the hope that you'll be inspired by my example. It's time to revisit one of your best teacher's essential messages and rededicate yourself to those beautiful truths.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] With the help of a Norwegian space facility, the Frito-Lay company has used radar to beam a commercial for its Doritos tortilla chips to 47 Ursae Majoris, a star 42 light years away. Astronomers believe that habitable planets circle the star, so any creatures living there will eventually get an invitation to enjoy the crunchy corn goodness that so many earthlings have sampled. May this vignette inspire you to formulate an "advertisement" for yourself and your specialties that will spread far and wide, reaching a new audience and activating your future potentials.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] Please spend some time in the coming week meditating on the epic tale of your life journey. Why? Because it would be an excellent time for you to begin writing your autobiography. Don't tell me you're afraid that such a project would be presumptuous. Planets are aligned in a way to suggest that you now have extra insight about the big picture of your destiny. So I hope you will at least create an outline of the story you will eventually put down in words, complete with predictions of what will be unfolding for you five years from today, and 10 years, and 15 years.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] The bad news is that you are, metaphorically speaking, in jail. The good news is that a recent visitor sneaked you the key to the locked door of your cell. The weird news: You have not yet realized that you have the means to escape, since your visitor did not actually tell you that the key is hidden inside a certain thing he or she left behind. The great news is that I'm here to inform you about the situation. Once you locate the key, Scorpio, slip your hand between the iron bars so you can fit the key into the keyhole from the front. It won't work from behind.