The Best Places To Find '80s Prices!

Great deals on illicit sex, waffles

Actually, I'm just a critic—and I'm here to tell you that old-style New York performance art isn't exactly dead either, even though the stuck-in-'84 set likes to claim it is so they can sit home and watch Lost. Please! Drop by P.S. 122 (150 First Avenue) or Here Arts Center (145 Avenue of the Americas), and then try to tell me there aren't still a zillion underground performers out there who are as zany, brave, inventive, and even boring as ever. Sure, they all have to live in the outer boroughs to stay alive, but at least they'll schlep over the bridge to put on a show for you. And, of course, you can always go there, too.

For some real '80s-style edge, there are still places catering to potentially risky gay sexual business, reminding you of the first saucy wave of AIDS denial, way before the current one. In Chelsea, you'll see all kinds of shady-looking people (and occasionally some cuties) running back and forth between two adult emporiums, Blue Store (206 Eighth Avenue) and Rainbow Station right across the street (207 Eighth Avenue), as if it were the dick decathlon. These are basically the Jack's and Weber's of cheap sex. Both places have adjoining rows of booths in the back, which feature age-old "glory holes"—slots in which you can deliver your package and wait to see what response it provokes from the boy next door. If that's a little too impersonal for you, feel free to sweet-talk the person through the slot and take them home, but I know people who've done that—and they're still looking for their laptops.

Of course, if you really want '80s New York to come back, you're going to have to take some serious drugs, put your head underwater, and dream on, because it's just not going to happen, honey. Things change, and you eventually have to embrace that or you'll end up rabid and running around on all fours near Madison Square Park. So celebrate the new Gotham! Swat away imaginary bums and panhandlers as you enter the Bowery Hotel and order some Reverse Osmosis water. Savor every drop of it, darling, because your only other choice is to move to a red state.

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