By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
ARIES [March 21–April 19] Uranus is on the opposite side of the sun from Saturn right now. This bespeaks a titanic clash between the forces of progress and the inertia of the past. But there are mitigating factors. The expansive planet Jupiter is trine to Saturn and sextile to Uranus, suggesting that unexpected grace may provide beauty and healing during these strenuous moments of truth. I predict that's what will occur in your personal life, Aries. You're well-situated to navigate through the brouhaha. For best results, respect the old ways—but not so much that it slows down your exuberant quest for the most interesting possible future.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] Every year, my friend Jim travels to Cabo San Lucas to participate in a deep-sea fishing competition. He says the best way to catch the big fish is with actual bait in the form of smaller fish. But marlins can be fooled into getting snagged with merely pretty lures—colorful fabrications that look like food but are actually made of metal, wood, plastic, and rubber. Jim says that hammerhead sharks will never bite the fake bait. They're too smart, insisting on the real thing. Use this information as an allegory, Taurus. You may find it to your advantage to get yourself "caught" by a metaphorical fisherperson, but only if he or she is offering you authentic bait, not a simulation.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] When the air is pure and clean, a bee can smell a flower from 3,281 feet. The presence of pollution severely cripples the bee's awareness of floral scents, reducing its range to 650 feet. This is a metaphor for what has been happening to you recently, Gemini. Have you suffered a reduction in your sensitivity to sources of nourishment? Are you oblivious to gifts and blessings that could be available to you if you only knew about them? According to my analysis of the astrological omens, this is quite possible.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] Dolphins love erotic play; for almost a third of their waking life, they caress and touch each other. They're ingenious about using their Frisbees, plastic boats, and rubber balls as sex toys. Gender isn't much of an issue. There's as much same-sex as opposite-sex cavorting. To place yourself in alignment with cosmic rhythms, Cancerian, consider taking a page from the dolphin Kama Sutra. Remember, the key for them is simply to play freely without any specific goal. Bliss comes as much from experimenting with creative intimacy as from driving toward orgasm.
LEO [July 23–August 22] One of my friends on Facebook describes her vocation as "Hammer of the Gods." Her task in life, she says, is to be a tool that the divine powers wield as they nail together raw materials to make useful structures. While I don't know if that's also one of your long-range goals, Leo, I do know that it describes a role you'd thrive in during the coming weeks. So how about it? Are you ready to upgrade your game in order to be the best Hammer of the Gods you can possibly be?
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] I'm not suggesting that you read Al Franken's book The Truth (With Jokes), but I do recommend that you make that title your motto in the coming week. There will be no such thing as truth without jokes, at least for you. Every situation you need to know more about will, if you investigate it, reveal some amusing riddle. All the information that'll be important for you to gather will lead you in the direction of laughter.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] Some years back, I maxed out my credit cards. Soon afterwards, I was close to declaring bankruptcy. Luckily, my parents stepped in and bailed me out. (Thanks, Mom and Dad!) Since then, I've rigorously kept my debts to a minimum. That policy has, on occasion, cramped my style, but it looks pretty wise in light of the current financial crunch. Please draw inspiration from my experience, Libra. Take inventory of any patterns in your own life that may be distorting your ability to get the money and resources you need. This is an excellent time to flush your old conditioning and imprint yourself with good, new habits.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] "Many times in my life," says philosopher Eckhart Tolle, "it has been my experience that the most powerful starting point for any endeavor is not the question 'What do I want?' but what does Life (God, Consciousness) want from me? How do I serve the whole?" I offer that meditation to you, Scorpio, as you slip into the heart of the reinventing-yourself phase of your cycle. It's time to stage a grand reopening or instigate a fresh batch of good trouble. As you whip up the initiatory energy, ask the Big Cosmic Thou where it would like you to go and what it would love you to do.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] "Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth," says Ishmael in Moby-Dick, "whenever it is damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses . . . it [is] high time to get to the sea as soon as I can." Use this passage as a kick in the ass, Sagittarius. There's no need for you to sink into the emotional abyss Ishmael describes. Fix yourself before you're broken! Get to the sea immediately, and prevent the gray glumness from taking over. If there's no ocean nearby, then try the next best things: Walk along a river or lake. Immerse yourself for long stretches in baths and saunas and heated pools. Cry and sweat and come abundantly. Listen to music that makes you feel like you're floating.