By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES [March 21–April 19] Uranus is on the opposite side of the sun from Saturn right now. This bespeaks a titanic clash between the forces of progress and the inertia of the past. But there are mitigating factors. The expansive planet Jupiter is trine to Saturn and sextile to Uranus, suggesting that unexpected grace may provide beauty and healing during these strenuous moments of truth. I predict that's what will occur in your personal life, Aries. You're well-situated to navigate through the brouhaha. For best results, respect the old ways—but not so much that it slows down your exuberant quest for the most interesting possible future.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] Every year, my friend Jim travels to Cabo San Lucas to participate in a deep-sea fishing competition. He says the best way to catch the big fish is with actual bait in the form of smaller fish. But marlins can be fooled into getting snagged with merely pretty lures—colorful fabrications that look like food but are actually made of metal, wood, plastic, and rubber. Jim says that hammerhead sharks will never bite the fake bait. They're too smart, insisting on the real thing. Use this information as an allegory, Taurus. You may find it to your advantage to get yourself "caught" by a metaphorical fisherperson, but only if he or she is offering you authentic bait, not a simulation.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] When the air is pure and clean, a bee can smell a flower from 3,281 feet. The presence of pollution severely cripples the bee's awareness of floral scents, reducing its range to 650 feet. This is a metaphor for what has been happening to you recently, Gemini. Have you suffered a reduction in your sensitivity to sources of nourishment? Are you oblivious to gifts and blessings that could be available to you if you only knew about them? According to my analysis of the astrological omens, this is quite possible.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] Dolphins love erotic play; for almost a third of their waking life, they caress and touch each other. They're ingenious about using their Frisbees, plastic boats, and rubber balls as sex toys. Gender isn't much of an issue. There's as much same-sex as opposite-sex cavorting. To place yourself in alignment with cosmic rhythms, Cancerian, consider taking a page from the dolphin Kama Sutra. Remember, the key for them is simply to play freely without any specific goal. Bliss comes as much from experimenting with creative intimacy as from driving toward orgasm.
LEO [July 23–August 22] One of my friends on Facebook describes her vocation as "Hammer of the Gods." Her task in life, she says, is to be a tool that the divine powers wield as they nail together raw materials to make useful structures. While I don't know if that's also one of your long-range goals, Leo, I do know that it describes a role you'd thrive in during the coming weeks. So how about it? Are you ready to upgrade your game in order to be the best Hammer of the Gods you can possibly be?
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] I'm not suggesting that you read Al Franken's book The Truth (With Jokes), but I do recommend that you make that title your motto in the coming week. There will be no such thing as truth without jokes, at least for you. Every situation you need to know more about will, if you investigate it, reveal some amusing riddle. All the information that'll be important for you to gather will lead you in the direction of laughter.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] Some years back, I maxed out my credit cards. Soon afterwards, I was close to declaring bankruptcy. Luckily, my parents stepped in and bailed me out. (Thanks, Mom and Dad!) Since then, I've rigorously kept my debts to a minimum. That policy has, on occasion, cramped my style, but it looks pretty wise in light of the current financial crunch. Please draw inspiration from my experience, Libra. Take inventory of any patterns in your own life that may be distorting your ability to get the money and resources you need. This is an excellent time to flush your old conditioning and imprint yourself with good, new habits.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] "Many times in my life," says philosopher Eckhart Tolle, "it has been my experience that the most powerful starting point for any endeavor is not the question 'What do I want?' but what does Life (God, Consciousness) want from me? How do I serve the whole?" I offer that meditation to you, Scorpio, as you slip into the heart of the reinventing-yourself phase of your cycle. It's time to stage a grand reopening or instigate a fresh batch of good trouble. As you whip up the initiatory energy, ask the Big Cosmic Thou where it would like you to go and what it would love you to do.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] "Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth," says Ishmael in Moby-Dick, "whenever it is damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses . . . it [is] high time to get to the sea as soon as I can." Use this passage as a kick in the ass, Sagittarius. There's no need for you to sink into the emotional abyss Ishmael describes. Fix yourself before you're broken! Get to the sea immediately, and prevent the gray glumness from taking over. If there's no ocean nearby, then try the next best things: Walk along a river or lake. Immerse yourself for long stretches in baths and saunas and heated pools. Cry and sweat and come abundantly. Listen to music that makes you feel like you're floating.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] This is the Week of the Upside-Down Rainbow. It's a time when signs of good fortune are everywhere, but always with some odd twist or anomalous feature. Should you worry that the tweaks mean there's some mischief at work? Does it suggest you will have to pay a price for the breakthroughs that are coming? I don't think so. My interpretation of the upside-down rainbow (or the five-leaf clover) is that you will be asked to expand your capacities in order to take full advantage of the unusual blessings.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Should you go with the flow or should you try to wheedle and entice the flow to go with you? This is one of those times when I advocate the latter approach. The flow is currently in an indecisive state, when it could go one of several ways. You have cosmic authorization to nudge it in the direction that looks to you like it will be the best for the most people.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] In the sci-fi film The Matrix, a small band of people have managed to escape from the collective hallucination that most of their fellow humans are stuck inside. Though life is hard staying free, there are some perks. They can, for instance, get downloads of data directly into their brains that allow them to quickly master complex tasks. In this way, the heroine, Trinity, learns to fly a helicopter in a few minutes. I call your attention to these fictional events, Pisces, because I think you're close to pulling off real-life accomplishments that resemble them. First, you're in an excellent position to slip away from certain illusions that enslave some of the people around you. Second, you have an enormous power to rapidly understand new information and acquire new skills.
Homework: Tell me how this year's election process and its results are changing your life. Go to FreeWillAstrology.com and click on "Email Rob."