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Today’s Genius Press Releases

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“Cell Phone/Brain Tumor Connection Remains Inconclusive,” announced the American Association of Neurological Surgeons, “But They Pose Neurological Health Risks.” With trembling hands we ripped this out of the telex machine and read the AANS’ examples: “A 29-year-old male was talking on his cell phone while on an escalator, fell backwards, and lacerated his head,” said the release. “A 43-year-old female fell down 13-14 steps while talking on her cell phone, after drinking alcohol,” etc. “Hey, what is this, a joke?” we asked. The telex whirred, spewed ribbon; an unseen trombone played mockingly.

Other headlines: “Unhappy People Watch TV, Happy People Read/Socialize” (University of Maryland); “Recession-Proof Careers: Future Looks Bright for Federal, Public Sector Careers” (University of Alabama at Birmingham).

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