By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
Josh Brolin stole my heart with his acceptance speech—the famous one where he trashed Russell Crowe and Ben Brantley in a hungover-sounding monotone, getting even more bizarrely worked up when he said Sean Penn will win the Oscar because he smiles a lot for a change!
At the Golden Globes, Sean wasn't smiling—or even there—when he lost to Mickey Rourke (who was the night's most sincere and likable presence, which says a lot). But Hawkins picked up another trophy and got super-weepy and flustered about it, no doubt wondering how she was going strap one more prize onto her pushcart.
The rest of the show was basically amateur night, with highlights like J.Lo shrieking, "Hello, mamma talking, mamma talking," and Miley Cyrus saying a nomination "has been a dream of mine forever." The creature is all of 16 years old!
Unshockingly, there were tons of coke references, especially when several stars seemed to be rubbing their nostrils in the audience. Robert Downey Jr. looked like he came straight from a crack house souvenir shop, and after Colin Farrell sniffled and explained, "I have a cold. It's not the other thing it used to be," half the room could have easily gotten up and said, "With me, it is the other thing it used to be." Of course, the voters themselves must have been coked out of their minds to think the inconsequential In Bruges and blah Revolutionary Road deserved any honors.
But I did get a buzz when the two new Star Trek stars came out to present something—they're so hot I want to be beamed way up their Deep Space Nine. And aren't we thrilled for Jeremy Piven's rapid recovery? And . . . wait, you're not listening! Mamma talking, mamma talking!