By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
Dolled up and sitting across the aisle from me was Phyllis Newman, who famously beat Streisand for the Tony, leading to Babs's first withering look. But this time, it was Phyllis who was unhappy. "You wrote in your fucking column that I left Butley at intermission," she said. "I had breathing problems! I adore Nathan Lane. But the good thing is—I'm not just babbling, I do have a point—I now have two bags, thanks to you." She pointed to a pair of Louis Vuitton satchels where she handily keeps her oxygen. So now if Phyllis Newman leaves something, it's because she really hates it!
A breath of fresh air, Patricia Clarkson—who's graced several Greenberg plays—reached into her bag of thoughts and gave me some insight on demand: "Richard mixes the heart and mind. He's a brilliant man. Don't forget he's been to Harvard, Princeton, and Yale. But he's a nice Jewish boy from Long Island, and he's always that!" Well, I look Jewish, I'm from Brooklyn, and I went to Columbia—does any of that count?
And finally, Jewish lady Joan Rivers entered my vision, so I asked about her upcoming appearance on Celebrity Apprentice. "It's a real bloodbath," Joan said. "I adore Donald. Millennia, watch out!" Beat. "Whatever her name is."
Meanwhile—if I can move onto a smaller stage—I've been screaming, "You're fired!" to anyone who even suggests I join Facebook. And they're coming out of the wood furnishings, honey. Someone actually told me I need to do this because even a peanut butter sandwich has a fan page there. Oh, great! So I should join and find out I have fewer fans than a fucking sandwich?
And then, of course, I'd get to read all those breathlessly indulgent status updates—earth-shaking stuff like, "Susan Schwartz just got in from the laundry," "Karen Clark has a sinus condition," and "Maggie just had a runny bowel movement." God, how can I live without that kind of information? (Withering Streisand look thrown at my computer.)
I have a far more productive plan, and this one will make me rich fast. I'm going to open an OB-GYN center for cats, called "Pregnant Paws"! Andrew Lloyd Webber can do the music for the elevators.