By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
Dear Mexican: I can't tell you how disappointed I've been these past few days, as a U.S. citizen and ciudadano mexicano, as I've been seeing more and more stories in newspapers about los narcos and how the Mexican government keeps getting screwed over. I think that should dedicate a whole article in your column, telling your gringo readers what their pot and crack consumption has done to our country and include the history of drug cartels such as Los Zetas. Gabachos are sick and tired of more of our people coming into the U.S., when they have no one else but themselves to blame. Like the song by Molotov, "Aunque nos hagan la fama/De que somos vendedores/De la droga que sembramos/Ustedes son consumidores." —Soy de Sangre Azul
Dear Blueblood: Great way to cite a Mexican band to make a salient point! Gabachos: Molotov is a rap/rock group from Mexico City (complete with a token gabacho!) that should meet up with Limp Bizkit in an alley and steal Fred Durst's undeserved riches. Their translated lyrics, from the bilingual song "Frijolero" off Dance and Dense Denso: "Even though you make us infamous/That we're sellers/Of the drugs we grow/Y'all are consumers." All the American media and governmental doom-and-gloom over the drug wars in Mexico—where a crackdown by President Felipe Calderón has created conditions in some cities that mimic the worst of Capone's Chicago and Osama bin Laden's wet dream and have thus led many normal Mexicans to flee to America despite our Great Recession—never seem to bring up the fact that those cartels wouldn't have their billions in profits if so many Americans didn't love their dope. If Know Nothings really wanted to stop Mexicans from entering this country, they'd start advocating for the legalization of drugs. That would shave a couple of thousand Mexicans off our annual immigration rates and leave Mexico's crime lords to fight over the true eternal Mexican dilemma: whether Chivas or América is the better soccer squad.
Why are so many Mexican-Americans up in arms about their rights when most of them are S.O.B.s and drunks? I've had married Mexicans attempt to molest me, Mexican girls threaten, stalk, and steal, and I've been assaulted by a Mexican because I wouldn't have intercourse with him. Mexican Mexicans are lovely and friendly, but Mexican-Americans are aggressive and don't have any appreciation for anyone's rights but their own. —Crying in California
Dear Gabacha: You know, I could have given you a detailed rip-off of previous columns I've written that address how Mexican immigrants and their children have fewer societal pathologies than second- and third-generation Chicanos, but you had to confuse your Mexicans like so many others! Better get them straight before the Reconquista—oops, too late!
This gringa wishes to give my chica a quinceañera—actually I like to call it a mini-quince (like the fruit). Since it's going to be mini (cheap), is there a good CD you could recommend for our MP3 playlist? If we're going to have music, I would like it to pad the pocket of a legit performer(s). —Irish wannabe in San Antonio?
Dear Gabacho: Hop into the wayback machine, and let your girl dance to the beat of that wild Johann Strauss! The race music of Verdi's "Triumphal March" from Aida! The swaying theme from Disney's Sleeping Beauty! Any proper quinceañera should play the waltzes of Europe's imperial courts, since this most honored of Mexican female initiation rites is little more than a Hapsburg ball, and about as authentically Mexican as an enchurito.
KNOW NOTHINGS! Who among you can truly say they hate the illegal Mexican, but not the legal one? Who among you doesn't care about culture but everything about the law? The best three responders (keep answers under 100 words) get a Border Patrol hat or a copy of my ¡Ask a Mexican! book—their choice!