That was just a prelude to a fist, as it turned out. Before presenting an honor, Gilbert Gottfried screeched that Alec Baldwin had gotten so upset about something that he called his daughter a pig. Said Gottfried: "It's hard to explain to a one-year-old, 'It's not your fault! Kim Basinger's a fucking cunt!' By the way, Kim Basinger's a Fucking Cunt is up for best documentary. I think James Earl Jones narrated it. All the other nominees are about the Holocaust. The AIDS can't get you the award anymore, so the Holocaust is the way to go." That's good news for Kate Winslet.
At some point in between all the harsh truths, I managed to find another presenter, Curb Your Enthusiasm's Susie Essman, and ask her how she dug into the psyche of Mittens (the cat she voiced in Bolt. Duh). "It's interesting that you should ask," Essman said. "I didn't approach it as an animal—I'm allergic to cats—but I took the emotional point of view, from the feeling of being desperate and abandoned, which I have been many times. I also had a long talk with my dog."
Well, I don't even have a chia pet, so let me burden you with what's been ailing my nerves: As the original gay, I have been on Logo many times, but weirdly enough, that channel has never once pitched me any of their shows or stars to write about in my long-running, out-and-proud column. Further proof of my own obsolescence or really bad p.r.?
Here's more LGBT injustice: Charles Winters, who does some gay website for party queens, loves to describe me as majorly homely, which is fine—except that I just saw a picture of Winters in HX, and it turns out his face could stop a horse in its tracks and make it melt into glue. I'm just sayin'. Maybe we should battle this out in the (very) shallow end of the pool.