By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Even when you are not feeling your best, you try hard. Where there is hurt, you rise up with resilience to provide help. If there are people who don't know where they are or where they're going, you are often a beacon of calm. I applaud your urge to fight for justice not only in service to yourself but also on behalf of others who can't be as composed as you are when things are broken. And I'm happy to inform you that the favors you're doling out now will ultimately be returned in kind when you least expect it.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] I feel much better. Today, I underwent plastic surgery for the first time. An intervention specialist over at the Consumer Counseling Center removed 40 percent of my credit cards from my wallet. She then cut them in half and burned them, releasing fumes that sent me spiraling into an altered state of consciousness that revealed to me the steps I must take to upgrade my approach to money. In that state, I was also able to have psychic visions about the nature of your financial karma. What I saw is that you, too, would benefit right now from expanding your mind and changing your habits in all matters related to earning, spending, and saving money.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] A study at Newcastle University in the U.K concludes that if a cow is given a name by her owner, she generates more milk than a cow that's treated as an anonymous member of the herd. "Placing more importance on knowing the individual animals and calling them by name," said Dr. Catherine Douglas, "can significantly increase milk production." I suggest that you give everything in your world names, including (but not limited to) houseplants, insects, cars, appliances, and trees. Of course, this is always a good idea, because it enhances your connection with all of creation. But it's an especially smart approach now, when getting more up-close and personal should be your specialty.
Homework: What's your secret beauty—the great thing about you that no one knows? Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com.