Which American Idol Star Is a Lesbyterian?

Nightlife pickin's so slim that I even went to a museum.

That other resuscitated musical, Guys and Dolls, gets a slick but patchy revival that pales next to the 1992 Nathan LaneFaith Prince version, which would still be running if there was a God and he gave a shit about theater. In this one, people talk with overdone accents and purposely emphasize the wrong syll-AB-les, the result being that a lot of the actors come off mentally challenged. With all the distancing and underlining effects, so many surefire laughs and heartfelt moments fall into the pothole that you start to wonder if the director is a complete no-goodnik.

But the slowed-down version of "Adelaide's Lament" is as lovely as the first version is lamentable, and the crab from The Little Mermaid—or was he the donkey in Shrek?—gets to wail away, albeit with popping eyes, a weird accent, and a Xanadu lady getting down with her bad self. So nu?

The most bizarre scene of all came during intermission, when a man barreled up to me and said, "What happened here?" He was implying that I was sitting in his seat! Without saying, "Excuse me," he lifted part of my coat off the chair to see what row it was. Again with no apology, he realized my tush was in the right place, and he tottered off to find his destiny. A real crass act. By the way, it was Broadway producer Barry Weissler! Possessed by Verdon, I could have seized the chance yell at another Chicago producer, but I blithely bit my tongue.

Time goes by at Marie's Crisis.
Jared Gruenwald
Time goes by at Marie's Crisis.

But let me un-bite it right now and spew out some queries about some queeries, just for your devilish delectation: Who was The Reader director Stephen Daldry—who's gay, but married to a woman—sitting with at the Oscars? It was his twentysomething designer boyfriend Tyrone! Which American Idol star is a big, old, cigar-butt-chomping lesbo? (In fact, when a cable biography show was being done about her, her people wouldn't let them use early footage that strongly suggested sapphism.) Similarly, which married superstar with multiple Oscar nominations went on a cruise with his boy toy, during which time they ordered up every movie the actor has ever been in and cozily watched them in their cabin? I guess to this guy, porn is basically himself. If the trapdoor to his ego ever opens up, he might finally end up stretching his soul like I did this week. To great applause!


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