By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES [March 21–April 19] Pythagoras is known as "the father of numbers." He taught that mathematics provides the ultimate truth about reality. His otherwise productive career went through a rough patch when one of his students found that the square root of two is an "irrational" number that can't be expressed as a simple fraction. "Impossible!" said Pythagoras. His system was built on the axiom that there are no such numbers. Yet he couldn't refute the student's proof. By some accounts, Pythagoras had the student drowned for his impunity. I bring this to your attention, Aries, because you have an opportunity to do what Pythagoras couldn't: accept the evidence that your beliefs about reality are limited, and incorporate the new data into a revised worldview.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] "One often meets one's destiny on the road taken to avoid it," says a French proverb. Sometimes, you can't even get aligned with your potential unless you try to escape it. Only by seeking an alternate route are you led into the circumstances that activate your gifts. These mysteries will soon have personal meaning for you, Taurus. Upcoming plot twists will lead you to where you didn't even know you needed to go.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] Chris Farley was "a wrecking ball of joy," according to one of his friends. The SNL comedian loved to provoke merriment wherever he went. I'm not saying you should try to ignite conviviality with that much ferocity in the coming days, Gemini, but I do think this is a special phase of your astrological cycle, when you have an extraordinary capacity for spreading witty inspiration and catalytic fun—and for collecting the useful rewards generated by that good stuff.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] As I compose this, I'm sitting in San Francisco's Chinatown, dining on something called a Milky Golden Prize Delight Bun. And, I'm thinking, I bet it's going to be a kind of Milky Golden Prize Delight week for you Cancerians, a Sweet, Creamy, Lusty Elixir week, a Rich, Thick, Tasty Brilliance week. If you can manage it, I suggest you try to have a dream in which you find a morsel of the sun in a bowl of pudding, and savor it while listening to the full moon sing you a lullaby.
LEO [July 23–August 22] I predict that you will go to a thrift store to shop for bargain kitchen items but will instead buy a magic snow globe depicting a dolphin drinking beer from a fountain that's shaped like a stiletto pump, and when you get this talisman home, you will discover that it gives you the power to hover and cruise a few feet off the ground and even time-travel into the past for brief 10-minute blasts that allow you to change what happened. And if my prediction's not accurate in every detail, I bet it will nonetheless be metaphorically true.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] The foxglove plant can either be a hex or a healer. If you eat its flowers, your heartrate will zoom to a dangerous rate and your digestive system will go haywire. If, on the other hand, you have certain cardiac problems and partake of the foxglove's leaves, they will steady and strengthen your heart. I bet you can think of several influences in your life whose powers can be equally contradictory. According to my reading of the omens, it's an excellent time to get very clear about the differences and take steps to ensure that you'll be exposed as little as possible to the negative effects.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] The agitation and commotion seem to be dying down. The bitching and moaning are diminishing. And yet, from what I can tell, the Big Squeeze is still squeezing you, which probably means that it's going to get trickier for you to extricate yourself. Want my advice? Don't take "maybe" for an answer. Negotiate with a mischievous look in your eye. Learn more about the productive value of unpredictability by studying three-year-olds and free spirits who have nothing to lose. Most importantly, do whatever it takes to deflect the propaganda and slip past the symbolic gestures so that you can penetrate to the core of the real feelings.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] "Here's what I'm looking for," said a classified I read online. "Someone who can tear me away from living inside my head . . . who sees things in me that I don't see myself." That's exactly what I want for you, Scorpio. Whether this someone shows up in the form of an enemy or invisible friend, I don't care. The important thing is that he or she awakens you to certain mysteries about you that you've been blind to and helps free you from the unconscious delusion that all of reality is contained inside the boundaries of your skull.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] This would be a perfect week to practice writing love letters. It's not yet a favorable time to send the love letters you compose, however. You need some work before you'll be ready to produce the finished products. You've got to drain off the chatter at the top of your head before you'll be able to penetrate to the more interesting truths that lie at the bottom of your heart. But if you do your homework—churn out, say, at least three eruptions of rabid amour—you'll prepare yourself well to craft a thoughtful meditation that will really have a chance to make an impact.