By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] I'm definitely not encouraging you to go to YouTube and watch the music video of the hamster eating popcorn on a piano. You've got more important things to do and shouldn't waste your time on trivial diversions. Commit your whole being to the crucial work you have ahead of you! Don't waver from your laser-focused intention! APRIL FOOL! The truth is that if you want to succeed in the coming days, you will have to stay loose, indulge in at least a few blithe diversions, and not be a stern taskmaster demanding perfection. So go watch the hamster.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Nothing but great news for you as far as the eye can see, Aquarius. You're much more likely than usual to win a contest and be told you're hot and find loose money on the sidewalk. I bet you'll also get an invitation that you never imagined possible and an offer to have a conversation with a person you admire. Nor would I be surprised if you finally garner a certain form of recognition you've been pining for, get a message that will change your life in a sweet way, and discover a brand-new trick for experiencing pleasure. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating. Maybe one or two of those wonderful things will happen (at most, three), but not all of them. Don't be greedy.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] I predict that sometime soon you will time-travel to 2012 and then return to the present. While on your journey, you'll learn the outcome of three major sports events that will happen between now and then. This knowledge will eventually help you win large bets that earn you millions of dollars. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You won't literally engage in time travel, and you won't get access to valuable sports scores. I bet you will, however, take a semi-magical excursion into the future via a vivid dream or meditative vision, where you'll get a clear idea of what would ultimately work or not work in your current experiments in happiness.
There is no God. "No pain, no gain" is the ultimate truth. Life is a bitch, and then you die. APRIL FOOL! Those assertions are profound yet idiotic lies.