By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES [March 21–April 19] Don't you think it's time you toned down your manic aspirations? Wouldn't it be interesting to explore the more manageable opportunities that might become available by accepting your limitations with humble equanimity? APRIL FOOL! Don't you dare do any of those things, Aries. Your spiritual duty for the foreseeable future is to be a brave initiator of ingenious experiments . . . a high-powered self-starter who competes primarily with yourself . . . a pioneering warrior who's in quest of transcendent exploits that make it unnecessary to go to war.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] As you enter testing time, I may be the only astrologer who has enough tough love to wake up your inner teacher. And I may be the only psychic healer who can polish your aura and help you dispose of the karmic gunk that has been gumming up your luck. APRIL FOOL! I'm powerful, but not that powerful. My job is to alert you to the work that must be done so that you can do the work yourself. PS: For best results, blame no one for any sadness you may feel, and take full responsibility for creating your own happiness.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] Please do not snort meth in a hot-air balloon with fake Peruvian shamans as you fly to a secret CIA fortress where you play strip poker with high-ranking members of the conspiracy to create one world government. APRIL FOOL! There's no way you'll be invited to a spectacle like that. Your wildness does need expression, but it will be perfectly satisfied with fewer whacked-out adventures that are healthy for you and leave no messes in their wake. Monitor yourself for any urges you may feel to seek out over-the-top melodramas.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] So many miraculous images of Jesus have been appearing in Cheetos corn chips lately that a new cult of "Cheesus" worshippers has sprung up. I suggest you consider joining them. This is a favorable time to switch your religious affiliation to a faith that puts great stock in goofy miracles. APRIL FOOL! I lied, sort of. There's really no mandate for you to become a Cheesus Freak. But it is a fine time to add tender irreverence and fun-loving funkiness to your spiritual aspirations.
LEO [July 23–August 22] I have a message for Los Angeles, regarded by most astrologers as a Leo: It would be wise to accept the offer of tequila manufacturer José Cuervo, which has offered to pay a sum for the right to put its advertising sign beneath the huge Hollywood sign in the Hollywood Hills. APRIL FOOL! This is a bad time for all Leos—including L.A. and you—to sell their souls. In fact, the universe is conspiring to bring you practical rewards for simply being your beautiful self. I suggest you proceed according to the hypothesis that radiating your highest integrity is the finest form of self-promotion.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] This is an ideal time to have sessions with a sex therapist to get to the root of any inhibitions preventing you from claiming your full measure of orgasmic enlightenment. APRIL FOOL! While this is a fantastic time to deepen your access to the gifts of erotic bliss, you won't need a therapist to accomplish it. Here's all you need: 1) A fantasy of making love with a deity who has four arms, the better to hug you with; 2) A pretend-aphrodisiac made from the peaches of immortality that you'll steal from the tree of life; and 3) An invisible sex toy that you create in your mind's eye while you're meditating about the most sublime situation you've ever been in.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] Maybe someday you will allow yourself to act more like an Aries. You know, you'll barge ahead along a path of your own making. You'll relish the scary sounds from up ahead as potential opportunities to triumph over your fear and hone your willpower. Don't do any of that stuff yet, though. You're not ready for the challenge. Maybe in a few years. APRIL FOOL! Here's the truth, Libra: Now is an excellent time to act more like an Aries.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] Sometime in the next week, the spirits of Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, and Jean-Paul Sartre will come to you in a vision to tell you how to prosper during the coming Great Depression. With their expert tips, you will spend the years 2010 to 2013 safe and sound and well-fed in a gated community, while millions of your fellow humans are rioting in the streets over scraps of food. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said is a lie. The more modest truth is that you now have access to great insight about how to increase your long-term stability and security. Take advantage!
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] In a letter to Santa Claus, a child wrote: "Dear Santa, Can you give me a very special superpower? What I want is to be able to make up songs everywhere I go, and not have to work so hard to think of things to say to people because a fresh, beautiful song will magically pour out of my mouth for all occasions." I'm happy to announce that if this child is a Sagittarius, his or her wish could soon come true. APRIL FOOL! What I just said is not a literal reality, but it may have metaphorical value. The truth is, many of you Sagittarians will be very fluid and imaginative in the coming weeks. You may be able to create pretty much anything you put your mind to.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] I'm definitely not encouraging you to go to YouTube and watch the music video of the hamster eating popcorn on a piano. You've got more important things to do and shouldn't waste your time on trivial diversions. Commit your whole being to the crucial work you have ahead of you! Don't waver from your laser-focused intention! APRIL FOOL! The truth is that if you want to succeed in the coming days, you will have to stay loose, indulge in at least a few blithe diversions, and not be a stern taskmaster demanding perfection. So go watch the hamster.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Nothing but great news for you as far as the eye can see, Aquarius. You're much more likely than usual to win a contest and be told you're hot and find loose money on the sidewalk. I bet you'll also get an invitation that you never imagined possible and an offer to have a conversation with a person you admire. Nor would I be surprised if you finally garner a certain form of recognition you've been pining for, get a message that will change your life in a sweet way, and discover a brand-new trick for experiencing pleasure. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating. Maybe one or two of those wonderful things will happen (at most, three), but not all of them. Don't be greedy.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] I predict that sometime soon you will time-travel to 2012 and then return to the present. While on your journey, you'll learn the outcome of three major sports events that will happen between now and then. This knowledge will eventually help you win large bets that earn you millions of dollars. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You won't literally engage in time travel, and you won't get access to valuable sports scores. I bet you will, however, take a semi-magical excursion into the future via a vivid dream or meditative vision, where you'll get a clear idea of what would ultimately work or not work in your current experiments in happiness.
There is no God. "No pain, no gain" is the ultimate truth. Life is a bitch, and then you die. APRIL FOOL! Those assertions are profound yet idiotic lies.