By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Sneezes and yawns rise up in you without your conscious bidding. You can try to stifle them, but they have a will of their own. Just imagine if you were also visited at unexpected moments by the need to howl. Suddenly and without warning, you felt an irrepressible urge to unleash bellowing sounds—simply because your instinctual nature was moved to forcefully express its joy at being alive, its longing to trumpet its power, and its impulse to shake up the stale vibes it found itself in. If there will ever come a time in your life when this marvel will actually happen, I bet it'll be in the coming weeks.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] It took him 48 hours, but a British soldier has broken the world's record for number of seats sat upon. Terry Twining warmed his butt, if ever so briefly, on a total of 40,040 chairs in a football stadium last August. I suggest you do something comparable, Aquarius: Be simultaneously well-grounded and energetic. Keep your feet on the ground as you attempt to reach a new personal best. Find ways to derive excitement from repetitive tasks.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] For a few dollars a month, you can have a computer's synthesized voice utter a prayer for you three times a day. InformationAgePrayer.com promises to contact the Creator with incantations designed just for you. On the other hand, there's a prayer warrior on my staff who will pray for you at no cost. Her name's Grandma Betty, and I can personally attest to her skill and devotion. Send your requests to her in care of me at P.O. Box 150628, San Rafael, CA 94915. (There's no catch. I won't use or sell your address. Sorry, no e-mails.) In the meantime, I'm also going to be sending a series of rowdy solicitations on your behalf to the Divine Wow. Here's the gist of what I'll say: Please assist my Piscean readers in finding out exactly what they need to do to promote their financial stability.
Homework: You may be ready to resume some good habit you abandoned a while back. What is it? Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com.