By Keegan Hamilton
By Albert Samaha
By Village Voice staff
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES [March 21–April 19] Your role model for the coming week is George Garratt, a British guy who legally changed his name to Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined. Like him, I hope you will be extravagant as you re-imagine your self-image . . . and mess with the status quo in experimental ways that aren't dangerous, but make you feel ecstatic to be alive.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] "Men build too many walls and not enough bridges," said Isaac Newton. I agree with that assessment in general, but I'm going to amend it a bit: You would benefit from constructing one more wall before embarking on a bridge-building campaign. It won't make sense to erect all those new links in May unless you first burn down a bridge and fashion a fresh, fortified boundary.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] During my daily bicycle jaunts, I have, on occasion, ridden by a certain construction site, observing workers erect a home where once there was dirt. Today, I saw that the workers had completed one last task: pouring the cement for the driveway. But something went awry: The lip of the driveway is a foot above the level of the road. There's no way a car could make the transition without being damaged. Make sure that nothing similar happens in your sphere, Gemini. Maintain your concentration right to the end of the process you've been carrying out. Finish your masterpiece with a precise flourish.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] Executives at an Austrian insurance company have taken a novel approach to filling job openings in their sales division: They're only seeking Capricorns, Tauruses, Leos, Aries, and Aquarians. "A statistical study indicated that almost all of our best employees have one of those five star signs," they said. I haven't seen the study, but according to my personal analysis, it's a mistake to leave Cancerians out of that privileged group—at least in 2009. The members of your tribe have exceptional powers of persuasion right now, as well as even more than your usual skill at tapping into the subconscious minds of those you're working with. I believe these advantages will be especially potent in the coming weeks.
LEO [July 23–August 22] French President Sarkozy's best friend, advertising mogul Jacques Séguéla, has an unusual way of measuring success. If you don't own a Rolex watch by the time you're 50, he says, you're a failure. I'm inclined to propose the opposite: If you do have a Rolex watch, no matter what age you are, you're probably a failure. To be attached to such a conspicuous status symbol is a sign that your values are dominated by the transitory trivialities of materialism. Where do you stand on the matter, Leo? It's a good time to think about it, because you're in a phase when clarifying your definitions of high achievement is important.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] You're in luck, Virgo. According to my astrological analysis, you're about to be blessed with glimpses of the beauty that has been hidden from you. Do you know "Auguries of Innocence," the poem by William Blake? I think you'll experience what it describes: "To see a world in a grain of sand/And a heaven in a wild flower,/Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,/And eternity in an hour."
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] I once had a girlfriend who was tormented by her demons. As brilliant an artist as she was, she couldn't get those jerks to stop whispering curses like, "You'll never make any money from doing what you're good at" and "No one will ever love you for who you really are." I did my best to silence the voices that plagued her, but nothing worked, and she and I eventually broke up because of those demons. Since then, I've worked hard to improve my skills as an exorcist. As much as I'm inclined to use those skills to help you chase away the pests that are bugging you, however, that's not necessary. You now have the power to perform a dramatic do-it-yourself banishing.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] If you ever wanted to learn how to do out-of-body travel or shamanic explorations that help you retrieve lost portions of your soul, this is an excellent time to begin. You're in an astrological phase when the veil between this world and the other side is thinner than usual. If the things I mentioned in the beginning are too scary for you, there are other ways to take advantage of current conditions. First, you could conduct productive imaginary conversations with the spirits of dead friends and relatives. Second, you could do intense meditations in which you imprint the future with scenarios you'd love to see come to pass. And third, you'll probably be able to incubate a dream by asking your unconscious mind a well-formulated question that you'd love to get guidance about.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] At a Buddhist sanctuary in Khun Han, Thailand, monks have used a million beer bottles and soft-drink bottles to build their temple. Bottle caps have come in handy, too, serving as the raw material for numerous mosaics. Your assignment, Sagittarius, is to draw inspiration from these geniuses. How could you take some profane elements of your life and turn them into a hotbed of sacred inspiration?
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Sneezes and yawns rise up in you without your conscious bidding. You can try to stifle them, but they have a will of their own. Just imagine if you were also visited at unexpected moments by the need to howl. Suddenly and without warning, you felt an irrepressible urge to unleash bellowing sounds—simply because your instinctual nature was moved to forcefully express its joy at being alive, its longing to trumpet its power, and its impulse to shake up the stale vibes it found itself in. If there will ever come a time in your life when this marvel will actually happen, I bet it'll be in the coming weeks.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] It took him 48 hours, but a British soldier has broken the world's record for number of seats sat upon. Terry Twining warmed his butt, if ever so briefly, on a total of 40,040 chairs in a football stadium last August. I suggest you do something comparable, Aquarius: Be simultaneously well-grounded and energetic. Keep your feet on the ground as you attempt to reach a new personal best. Find ways to derive excitement from repetitive tasks.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] For a few dollars a month, you can have a computer's synthesized voice utter a prayer for you three times a day. InformationAgePrayer.com promises to contact the Creator with incantations designed just for you. On the other hand, there's a prayer warrior on my staff who will pray for you at no cost. Her name's Grandma Betty, and I can personally attest to her skill and devotion. Send your requests to her in care of me at P.O. Box 150628, San Rafael, CA 94915. (There's no catch. I won't use or sell your address. Sorry, no e-mails.) In the meantime, I'm also going to be sending a series of rowdy solicitations on your behalf to the Divine Wow. Here's the gist of what I'll say: Please assist my Piscean readers in finding out exactly what they need to do to promote their financial stability.
Homework: You may be ready to resume some good habit you abandoned a while back. What is it? Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com.