By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES [March 21–April 19] While reading a crime report in the Arcata Eye newspaper, I came across this entry: "A dreadlocked man attacked a lamp post on the Plaza with his mighty fists, punching it while yelling and, in the memorable description of a witness, 'fighting amongst himself.' " I immediately thought of you, Aries. You've been fighting amongst yourself with—how shall I say this?—crafty ferocity. I'd be ecstatic if I could convince you to call a truce, begin peace talks, and maybe even begin practicing some crafty tenderness toward yourself.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] When you Tauruses are at your best, you get into a groove but not into a rut—humming along with creative efficiency, not just going through the motions. When you're at the top of your game, it's because you've surrounded yourself with stimuli that make you feel comfortable. Other people may accomplish most when they're driven by stress, but you usually need to be at ease in order to access your brilliance. From what I can tell, everything I just said is a description of what will be happening in the coming weeks.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] Research shows that if a stranger gazes at you for at least 8.2 seconds, he or she is definitely interested in you. If, however, the look lasts 4.5 seconds or less, there's no attraction. I'm guessing that the percentage of long scrutinies you receive in the coming weeks will be higher than usual. Your raw charisma levels will be up, as will your ability to make strong first impressions. How do you plan to exploit the advantages this will give you, Gemini? According to my projections, it'll be a good time to meet some allies of the future.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] The "mountain chicken" frog, once a fixture on the chain of Caribbean islands known as Montserrat, has become endangered through loss of habitat, disease, and over-hunting by humans. In response to the crisis, conservationists have airlifted a number of survivors to new homes, attempting to save their kind from extinction. I think it's time for you to arrange a comparable intervention of your own, Cancerian. A sweet and delicious part of you or your world is not exactly thriving, and needs some strenuous help and care.
LEO [July 23–August 22] A Florida woman, upset that her local McDonald's had run out of Chicken McNuggets, phoned the 911 emergency service line for help. A Florida man took the same action when Burger King told him it had no lemonade. I recommend that you not indulge in similar overreactions in the coming week, Leo. The Drama Queen or Drama King archetype is threatening to possess you, and I suspect you'll have to act forcefully to keep it away. If you're successful, you'll be visited by a far more congenial archetype—the Social Butterfly. And that would prove to be amusing and productive.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] Most of you Virgos have built-in safeguards that ensure you won't abuse power. That's why I feel uninhibited about advising you to grab all the new authority and influence you can get in the next few weeks. It's one of those phases in your astrological cycle when you're more likely to be in line for promotions, new privileges, and increased clout. I hope you won't be shy. You may have to be uncharacteristically aggressive as you claim your rightful potency and rewards.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] In the coming days, the delight quotient will be way up. I bet you'll be more prone to uttering exclamations. There may also be a mind-wobbling "What the frack?!" mixed in there, although I think the emphasis will be on developments that educate and entertain you. Since you will probably be ushered in the direction of the frontier, I think you should find new ways to express your amazement. Instead of clichés like "Holy crap!" why not try something fresh: "Great Odin's raven!" . . . "Radical lymphocytes!" . . . "Cackling whacks of jibber-jabber!" . . . "Frosty heat waves!" . . . "Panoramic serpentine." Any other ideas?
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] As I was driving out in the country, I spied a homemade sign: "I have seen the truth and it doesn't make sense." I'm guessing you might feel that way yourself right now, Scorpio. You have summoned the courage to see the deeper reality beneath the official story, but that has made you more confused than you were. So you're smarter and better informed, but are nonetheless feeling less secure. My advice: Don't flee back into the fake comfort of comfy delusions. If you can maintain your poise in the face of the raging ambiguity, you will ultimately be rewarded with a big dose of cathartic clarity.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] "Wisdom is knowing I am nothing," said Indian philosopher Nisargadatta Maharaj. "Love is knowing I am everything. And between the two my life moves." According to my calculations, Sagittarius, you'll be more on the "knowing you are everything" side of the polarity for the next few weeks. That's because a flood is imminent. I expect you'll be on the receiving end of a massive outreach from the universe—an influx of invitations, inquiries, and offers to make connection. You should also be prepared for the dizzying pleasure that comes from seeing how profoundly interlinked and interdependent you are.