By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
ARIES [March 21–April 19] You're trying to tell me that the way out is the way in. Is that right? And that the "wrong" answer just might be the right answer? And that success will most likely happen by accident? I don't know, Aries. It's tricky to get away with this upside-down approach to life unless you have a lot of discipline and yet also don't take yourself too seriously. You've got to be a stickler for detail and a master of improvisation. I do suspect you're up for the challenge, but what do you think?
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] In an interview, musician Attiss Ngoval told the San Francisco Chronicle that he'd want X-ray vision "IF and ONLY IF I could use it to see people naked under their clothes. I don't want it if all I see is skeletons." That's a good standard for you during the coming weeks, Taurus. I definitely think you'll be able to see deeper into the levels of reality than you have in quite some time. But your challenge will be to explore sights that are really interesting to you, not just everything and anything that's usually hidden.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] Your immediate future is wide open—so much so that it's difficult to predict which scenarios are more likely than all the others. But in the interest of giving you something specific to grab on to, I'll name a few possible scenarios: 1) A self-styled anarchist scholar, heir to the fortune of a famed Japanese anime artist, will invite you to a sushi feast at a speakeasy club called "Planet Mars" to discuss the Theory of Everything. 2) A clownish saint with a tattoo of a cobra swallowing the Earth will get you high by sniffing Clearasil, and then tell you a secret about who you were in one of your past lives. 3) A familiar stranger will hand you a Cracker Jack toy and whisper, "Are we never going to see each other again? Or will we get married tomorrow?"
CANCER [June 21–July 22] In honor of the karmic clean-up phase of your astrological cycle, I invite you to do the following exercise: Imagine a pit in the middle of a desert that holds everything you've ever used up, spoiled, and outgrown. Your old furniture is here, along with once-favorite clothes and CDs. But this garbage dump also contains subtler trash, like photos that capture dreams you gave up on, mementoes of failed relationships, and symbols of self-images you used to cling to. Everything that is dead to you is here. Now picture yourself dousing the big heap of stuff with gasoline and setting it on fire. Watch it burn.
LEO [July 23–August 22] This would be a good time to activate your sleeping potentials by chanting positive declarations about your relationship to what you need. Instead of typical affirmations, however, I think you'll benefit from something edgier and more poetic. That's why I'm offering you the statements below, originally written by Andrea Carlisle for use by spiders. Say the following several times a day: "I am now receiving many fine fat flies in my web. My web is strong and masterful. My web is irresistible to all the attractive creatures I like to nibble on. I am amazingly clever and extremely popular. Even now, hundreds of juicy tidbits are headed toward my web."
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] A talent scout who has the power to change your course is drawing closer. Find out why, and capitalize on it. Meanwhile, a chameleon who has always had your number just lost it. Find out the details, and take advantage. If that's not enough to keep you busy, a cool fool only recently realized you have something that he or she wants. Find out who and what, and exploit the possibilities. (PS: I should also mention that there's a wild thing out there who would love to lick your hand. Find out why, etc.)
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] "The formula 'two and two make five' is not without its attractions," said Dostoyevsky. I believe you'll benefit from embracing that perspective, Libra. Transcending logic will be your specialty, especially if you do so with a spiritual gleam in your eye. Being a little crooked could awaken your sleeping wisdom, boost your life force, and enhance your physical attractiveness. Follow any hunches you have that inspire you to stop making so much sense. Use imaginative flair in your search for the truth.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] A lesbian reader who calls herself "Speedy Slow-Hand" wrote to me, explaining that she keeps getting obsessed with the half-feral amazons whom her intense Scorpio self lusts after, which causes her to miss out on the nurturing women her softer side craves. Is it better to have someone to run the race with, she asked, or someone to massage her feet afterward? Whether or not you're in the hunt for love, Scorpio, I think her testimony is an apt metaphor for your current dilemma. Should you go with the choice that makes your spirit burn with pungent excitement, or should you opt for what feeds your soul with rich relaxation? There's at least a 30 percent possibility you could have both.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] Of the 190 short films the Three Stooges made, only five actually had pie fights. However, those scenes sum up all there is to know about the mythic meaning of pie fights, as well as the needs they address and the techniques involved. I urge you to study up on the Stooges' teachings and put them to immediate use. Nothing could be more effective in dealing with stalled negotiations, convoluted mind games, excessive gravity, and bureaucratic slowdowns than a righteous pie fight.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Some people use sly intelligence rather than mindless rage to escape their limitations. Do you know any? If so, soak up their influence. You could use some inspiration as you make your own break for freedom. The best way to ensure that your liberation will be permanent is to go about it with humor, subtlety, and humility.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Writing in Earthwatch magazine, Anne Marcotty Morris rhapsodized about her trek into Brazil's rain forest. The jungle is a fecund place, she said: "Several barbed seeds that had attached themselves to me on our walk into the forest had sprouted by the time we walked out." These fast-growing seeds are an apt metaphor for your psyche, Aquarius. You're a hotbed of lush fertility. I advise you to be very discriminating about which influences you give your attention to. Good or bad, empowering or corrosive—they will grow fast.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] There has rarely been a better time than now to blend your fresh, sparkly innocence and your deep, ancient wisdom. The childlike aspects of your intelligence are especially available, as are the visionary elements—and the two have a great potential to complement each other. You might be amazed at how you could transform long-standing problems by invoking this dynamic tandem of energies.
Homework: It's almost time for a mid-year review. What have you accomplished so far in 2009? What goals remain unfinished? FreeWillAstrology.com.