By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] While appearing on I'm a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here, ex–pro basketball player John Salley gave some advice I'd like to pass along. "When you see crazy coming your way," he philosophized, "you should cross the street." I do think crazy will be headed in your direction sometime soon, Sagittarius, and the best response you can have is to avoid it altogether, preferably in a way that it doesn't notice you. That's right: Don't shout at crazy; don't bolt away; and certainly don't run up and give crazy a big hug. There are far better ways for you to gather your fair share of intriguing mystery; I'd hate to see you get bogged down in a useless, inferior version of it.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Everyone wants a piece of you these days, and they don't care about how it will affect you. So beware of emotional manipulation, subliminal seduction, and the temptation to believe in impossible promises. To make matters more extreme, I suspect you may be pleased that everyone wants an extra piece of you—and might be tempted to conspire in your own dismantling. Instead, how about letting three trustworthy people—no more—take an extra piece of you? And be very certain that they have enough self-control to know when to stop taking.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] You're almost never one brick short of a load, know what I'm saying? Your elevator almost always goes all the way to the top floor. Rarely, if ever, do I have to warn you against playing with a deck of 51 cards. So I hope you won't be offended when I say that it's time to find that missing brick and service your elevator and buy a new deck. In other words, you're due for your 40,000-mile checkup.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] magic (ma'-jik), n. 1. A mysterious event or process that seemingly refutes the known laws of science. 2. A willed transformation of one's own state of mind. 3. A surprising triumph that exceeds all expectations. 4. Something that works, though no one understands why. 5. The impossible becoming possible. 6. "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." (Arthur C. Clarke.) 7. A quality predominant in the lives of Pisceans during the period from July 1 through July 20, 2009.
Homework: Send testimonies about how you've redeemed the dark side to Sex Laugh, at firstname.lastname@example.org.