By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
ARIES [March 21–April 19] Time to diversify your energy sources, Aries. It's as if you've grown too dependent on oil—metaphorically speaking—and have neglected to develop relationships with wind turbines, natural gas, and other means of generating power. What if, in the future, oil becomes scarcer or wildly expensive? And what if, over the long haul, its by-products degrade your environment? I suggest you start now to expand the variety of fuels you tap into. It's a perfect moment to adjust your plans for your long-term energy needs.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] Your mirror may lie to you this week. Even pets and heroes and normally reliable suppliers might not be completely there for you. Fortunately, I expect that secondary sources will come through. Other people's mirrors may reveal a clue you haven't been able to find in your own. And a previously overlooked connection might become your own personal wellspring. Moral of the story: If you're willing to be flexible and forswear all impulses to blame, you won't be deprived of what you need.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] Having discovered I can read the minds of animals, I've started a new sideline as a ghostwriter. Here's an excerpt from an interview I did with Prestige, a Gemini pig. Brezsny: What do you like best about being a potbellied pig? Prestige: I'm greedy, but cute. I get to eat like a pig, yet not be victimized by the negative judgments people usually project onto pigs. B: Is there anything you're worried about? P: I need to make my caretaker understand that for the next few weeks, we Geminis will need more than the usual amounts of food, love, praise, everything. B: Anything you'd like to say to my Gemini readers? P: Don't let anybody make you feel guilty for wanting what you want.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] The ancient Chinese sage Lao Tse said, "People of the highest caliber, upon hearing about Taoism, follow it and practice it immediately. People of average caliber, hearing about Taoism, reflect for a while and then experiment. People of the lowest caliber, hearing about Taoism, let out a big laugh." Now substitute the words "your splashy new ideas" for "Taoism" in Lao Tse's quote, and you'll have your horoscope for this week. Also remember that he said, "No idea can be considered valuable until a thousand people have laughed at it."
LEO [July 23–August 22] Nietzsche's dictum might be useful for you to keep in mind right now, Leo: "If it doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger." Since I'm sure that the turbulent waters through which you're navigating will not kill you, I'm looking forward to how this journey will upgrade your confidence. But there's more to be gained, beyond what Nietzsche formulated. It's also true that if it doesn't kill you (which it won't), it will make you wilder and kinder and smarter and more beautiful.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] According to my projections, you will not, in the coming weeks, meet a secretive stranger who'll play you like a violin. Nor will you be lured to the warehouse district after midnight to pick up the "missing stuff." And I highly doubt that you will be invited to join a cult that's conspiring to seize political power following the events of December 21, 2012. No, Virgo. Your fate is far more mundane than that. It's more likely that you will soon meet a forthright stranger who will play you like an accordion. You will be drawn to a location at midday to pick up the "missing stuff." And you will be invited to become part of a group that has the potential to play a significant role in your quest for meaning in the coming years.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] For years, I've remembered most of my dreams every night, so I'm good at spotting trends. Last week, I dreamed that three of my Libra friends were pole vaulting at the Olympics. Four nights ago, I dreamed that my two favorite Libran astrologers were rappelling up a skyscraper. Last night, I dreamed that four Libran celebrities—Mahatma Gandhi, Gwen Stefani, Sacha Baron Cohen (a/k/a Borat), and Kate Winslet—climbed a gold ladder to a café on a cloud where they drank magic coffee that made wings sprout on their backs. Is my subconscious telling me that it's prime time for you to raise your expectations and upgrade your goals? Do my dreams mean you should rise above the conventional wisdom and rededicate yourself to your loftiest ambitions?
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] Spiritual epiphany alert! Uncanny revelations imminent! Hope you don't mind being awoken in the middle of your scheduled life by a delivery from the Great Beyond. Yes, my cute little bundle of psychic sensitivities: It doesn't matter if you're a believer or an unrepentant infidel—you will soon be invited to have one of your logical certainties torn out by the roots and replaced with a throbbing vision of cosmic whoopee. Brace yourself for the most pungent fun you've had since your last mud-wrestle with the angel.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] While appearing on I'm a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here, ex–pro basketball player John Salley gave some advice I'd like to pass along. "When you see crazy coming your way," he philosophized, "you should cross the street." I do think crazy will be headed in your direction sometime soon, Sagittarius, and the best response you can have is to avoid it altogether, preferably in a way that it doesn't notice you. That's right: Don't shout at crazy; don't bolt away; and certainly don't run up and give crazy a big hug. There are far better ways for you to gather your fair share of intriguing mystery; I'd hate to see you get bogged down in a useless, inferior version of it.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Everyone wants a piece of you these days, and they don't care about how it will affect you. So beware of emotional manipulation, subliminal seduction, and the temptation to believe in impossible promises. To make matters more extreme, I suspect you may be pleased that everyone wants an extra piece of you—and might be tempted to conspire in your own dismantling. Instead, how about letting three trustworthy people—no more—take an extra piece of you? And be very certain that they have enough self-control to know when to stop taking.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] You're almost never one brick short of a load, know what I'm saying? Your elevator almost always goes all the way to the top floor. Rarely, if ever, do I have to warn you against playing with a deck of 51 cards. So I hope you won't be offended when I say that it's time to find that missing brick and service your elevator and buy a new deck. In other words, you're due for your 40,000-mile checkup.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] magic (ma'-jik), n. 1. A mysterious event or process that seemingly refutes the known laws of science. 2. A willed transformation of one's own state of mind. 3. A surprising triumph that exceeds all expectations. 4. Something that works, though no one understands why. 5. The impossible becoming possible. 6. "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." (Arthur C. Clarke.) 7. A quality predominant in the lives of Pisceans during the period from July 1 through July 20, 2009.
Homework: Send testimonies about how you've redeemed the dark side to Sex Laugh, at firstname.lastname@example.org.