By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES [March 21–April 19] Your assignment is to get angry in the most brilliant, constructive way possible. Merely muttering generic curses will definitely not be sufficient. Nor will it work for you to get consumed in knee-jerk rage or to be peeved about the same old boring targets that everyone reacts to. What the cosmos needs from you this week, Aries, is a controlled explosion of liberated, compassionate, laser-sharp fury that will fuel your ingenious drive to change everything for the better.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] Are you cravings candy? Do you find yourself leaning in the direction of sappy emotions and words? If that's indeed the case, I'd like to steer you in a different direction. It's not that an extravagant involvement in chocolate and sentimentality is wrong or bad. But what you truly need is a more muscular, provocative sweetness. A sweetness that can incite high magic.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] I won't protest if you try to conceal yourself from gossips or critics or narcissists. You have permission to hunker down and keep a low profile. But don't hide from yourself. I encourage you to make yourself available to yourself. Listen to the questions and comments that your shadow murmurs in your inner ear. These communications might sometimes be a pain in the ego, but the long-term benefits could be substantial.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] I have tuned in to your yearning for resolution, O Seeker. I know that your heart wants the riddles to run their course, the uncertainties to be quelled. And I have ransacked my imagination in search of what consolation I might provide to appease your quest for simple truths. But what I have concluded, O In-Between One, is that any solutions I offer you would not only be fake, but also counterproductive. What you actually need, I suspect, are not answers to your urgent questions, but rather, better questions; more precisely formulated questions; more ruthlessly honest questions. Dig deeper, please. Open wider. Think fatter.
LEO [July 23–August 22] No one knew there was coal in the United States until 1790. A hunter who was wandering near Pennsylvania's Broad Mountain stumbled upon it when his campfire lit up an outcropping of pure anthracite. That discovery was both a blessing and a curse; since then, the mining of coal has yielded abundant energy but also environmental degradation. I predict a metaphorically similar event for you in the coming days, Leo. You will inadvertently find a potentially enormous source of valuable fuel that will, like coal, present you with both rich opportunities and knotty dilemmas.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] I dare you to say yes to a possibility you've said no to in the past. I double dare you to try an impossible thing before lunch each day. I triple dare you to imagine you're a genius at inspiring people to like you and help you. I quadruple dare you to drive stable people crazy for all the right reasons. I quintuple dare you to fantasize that your so-called delusions of grandeur have begun to contain more than a few grains of truth.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] I know a 19-year-old woman who has been going through an especially vivid phase of living on the edge between yes and no. She told me that yesterday morning, she woke up with the feeling that in the next 12 hours she could either commit suicide or else perform some epic deed in which she surpassed all of her previous limits. She chose the latter path, completing an 18-mile bike ride that tested her endurance and drove her into the heights of exhilaration. As she pedaled, she drove herself onward with the throbbing thought that this was a perfect way to silence the self-destructive voice within her. I offer her victory to you, Libra, as being worthy of imitation.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] Let's take inventory of your harvest, Scorpio. What blossomed for you these past months? Which of the seeds you planted last March and April sprouted into ripe, succulent blossoms? Which seeds grew into hard, spiky clumps? And what about weeds, pests, and predators? Were you tireless about keeping them away from your beauties? Finally, what did you learn about growing things that could give you a green thumb when you cultivate your seeds in the next cycle?
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] Before she became a rock goddess, Gwen Stefani cleaned the floors at an ice cream parlor. Prior to ascending to stardom, Ellen DeGeneres was an oyster shucker, and Brad Pitt performed as a giant chicken mascot. As for me, my gig as an internationally syndicated astrologer was not my first. Among many other things, I washed enough pots and pans in cheap restaurants to fulfill my dishwashing karma for my next five incarnations. I hope these examples serve to inspire you, Sagittarius. Even during the down economy, the next six months will provide you with ripe astrological conditions for upgrading your job. And the coming weeks will be prime time to brainstorm about how to go about it.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] I know some pioneers who make responsible use of drugs as they map out the borderlands of consciousness. I'm glad they're doing that work, but my path is different. I don't indulge in marijuana, LSD, ayahuasca, or psilocybin. However, my many years of doing meditation, dream work, and various spiritual practices have nevertheless transformed me into a radical mystic with some of the same knowledge that the psychedelic experimenters have. Keep that disclaimer in mind as you ruminate on my advice for you, which is this: Blow your own mind, baby. Raise your expectations, supercharge your fantasy life, and make forays out into the frontiers. Get high in ways that are appropriate to your ethical code.