By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] While I'm pretty much a genius when it comes to the meaning of Kurt Cobain's lyrics, the art of cooking perfect scrambled eggs, and the secrets of being a good listener, I'm an absolute idiot about how a car engine works, how to make money on eBay, and how to craft a foreign policy that would deal effectively with Pakistan. What about you, Capricorn? What are you dumb about? This is an excellent time to cure your ignorance about any subject that will be important for you to be smarter about in the future.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] The following projects would be excellent ways for you to spend your time in the coming weeks: 1) Attend a fantasy camp where you learn rodeo tricks (they might come in handy during committee meetings and collaborative efforts in the next six months); 2) Teach a worthy candidate the intricacies of licking your nuzzle spots (it no longer makes sense to expect people to read your mind); 3) Scratch an itch that has been subliminally bugging you (unless, of course, you find some value in being subliminally bugged); 4) Solicit lively information from a devil's advocate, a sexy mother, and a world traveler (you need exposure to people whose perspectives will pry open a couple of the closed areas of your mind).
PISCES [February 19–March 20] Your quest has come to a fork, Pisces. Down one path lies a tumultuous obsession—a compulsive, tormented hunt like Captain Ahab's pursuit of Moby Dick. In the other direction, a graceful chase beckons, more in the manner of Sir Galahad's pure-hearted search for the Holy Grail. Choose one fork, and your quarry will be beastly, impossible, and frustrating. If you choose the other fork, your quarry will be magical, earthy, and transformative.
Homework: What's the most selfish, narcissistic thing about you? Do you think that maybe you should transform it? Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com.