By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] The surest way to beat the system is to elude it and erect your own system. The strategy most likely to leave your competitors babbling in the mirror is to go completely over their heads. That doesn't mean, darling, that you should be a remote and grandiose narcissist who listens to no one but yourself. Smile sweetly as you describe why your way is the best way, you gorgeous genius. Enlist worthy collaborators through the irresistible force of your guileless charisma.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] "A neurosis is a secret that you don't know you are keeping," wrote critic Kenneth Tynan. Your assignment is to uncover one of those secrets in yourself. It may not result in an instant cure of your minor personality glitch, but it will be a first step that will set in motion a series of healing events. I guarantee that any ugliness you might find lodged deep inside you will be entangled with surprising beauty.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Seventy percent of the world's freshwater is locked away in Antarctica's ice, which is 7,000 feet thick. Let's hope it remains that way for the foreseeable future. If global warming melted that giant slab even a little, sea levels all over the planet would rise, and coastal lands would be inundated. As for your frozen areas, however: I'd really like to see at least 30 percent of them thaw. Would you consider doing whatever it takes to release a mini-flood of summery feelings?
PISCES [February 19–March 20] While walking in an unfamiliar neighborhood, I saw a huge red wooden chair on someone's lawn. It was big enough for a giant. An oversize martini glass was perched on the arm of the chair. Nearby was a sign that read, "I have flying monkeys at my command, and I'm not afraid to use them." I assumed this scene was the handiwork of an adorable crazy person who's an admirer of The Wizard of Oz mythology. I also flashed on how I could totally see you sitting in that chair. Metaphorically speaking, you, too, have flying monkeys at your command. I just hope you use them to accomplish good deeds, not evil ones.
Homework: Go to YouTube and watch me give some pep talks and crazed lectures.