By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
Dear Mexican: I'm an Asian female, and for some time, I've been fascinated by Mexican culture. I find Mexican males to be very attractive. How much of a chance do I have of dating a Mexican hombre if I'm Asian? —Muchacha China Curiosa
Dear Chinita: Dios mío, are you in luck! Mexican society loves their Asian women—it's the job-stealing, vice-promoting men we can't stand. The beautiful, colorful, flowing dresses Mexican women wear when dancing baile folklorico are generally called the china poblana, in remembrance of an apocryphal Indian slave from the 17th century. To dress as a china in Mexican popular parlance of the late 1800s meant to dress like a lower-class mujer for the purposes of becoming alluring, like the characterization of the gypsy woman or mulatta in American culture. And even in the present day, we romanticize Asian mujeres but without the dragon-lady bad vibes gabachos throw in their hot pot of racial desires. In other words, not only do you have beaucoup chances of dating a Mexican, you're going to have to beat them back with a bamboo stick. Only drawback? Whether you're Vietnamese, Japanese, Korean, Burmese, or from Macao, you will always, always remain a chinita bonita to your man's aunts—just ask my ex.
I have a Mexican friend who is a roofer. He and his crew are very efficient and do excellent work. I pay them the fair-market price for their labor—the same money I would pay gabacho roofers if they weren't all fucked-up on crystal meth or Wild Turkey, or in shitty relationships with skanky-ass whores, etc. My gabacho contractor friends mock me and call me a dumbass for this, but believe it or not, exploiting el cheapo immigrant labor just ain't my bag. Do you, as a Mexican, or taco bender, or pepper belly, think that I'm a dumbass?—Roofer Who Doesn't Use Roofies to Nail Rucas
Dear Jefe: Dumbass, you? Can you get me a job, and hire my 15 cousins también? The problem of Mexican workers in los Estados Unidos getting paid less than their gabacho counterparts has existed forever, so for you—a gabacho—to not only pay fair wage to Mexicans, but do it in the realm of construction (a 2005 study published by the National Association of Home Builders found that Mexicans not only occupied the lower rungs of the construction industry, but bore the brunt of lower-wage jobs as a result) qualifies usted for folk sainthood status in some rancho in Guanajuato.
Maybe your column can address the question of why Mexicans allow so many of their small children to become obese. I know healthy food is more expensive (especially if you choose not to garden), but the long-term medical situation (which maybe is not known or appreciated within the community) for their children is obviously grave. You could do a public service in your column. —Grieving Over Ruined Dinner Angst
Dear GORDA: Same reason gabacho and negrito parents do—lack of exercise, education, and healthy eating. I don't mean to sound flippant or apologetic for my raza, but black and white kids ain't exactly Kate Mosses in the world of childhood obesity. According to a 2002 Center for Disease Control survey done by its National Center for Health Statistics, nearly 40 percent of Mexican-American kiddies aged six to 11 are overweight, and 23.7 percent obese, compared with 35.9/19.5 of negritos and 26.2/11.8 of gabachos in their respective categories. My public service? Parents: Instead of serving your niños eight Christmas tamales this season, make do with seis and hold back on the second helping of pozole.