By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] In some of the newspapers that publish my column, my text is buried in the back pages amid a jabbering hubbub of obscene advertisements for quasi-legal sexual services. For readers with refined sensibilities, that's a problem. They do their best to avert their eyes, narrowing their focus down to a tight window. I think you'll be wise to adopt a similar approach in the coming week, Capricorn. Only a small percentage of information coming your way will be truly useful to you, and it may often be embedded in a sparkly mess of distracting noise. Concentrate hard on getting just the essentials that you want so you won't be misinformed and worn out by the rest.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Do your own stunts. Don't get a stunt double to do them for you. Accept blame and claim credit that rightfully belong to you. Don't scare up scapegoats or tolerate plagiarists. It will also be a good idea to deliver your own messages and sing your own songs and kick your own butt. No surrogates or stand-ins, please. There's just no way, you see, for you to get to where you need to go by having a substitute do the traveling for you. Your only hope of claiming the reward that will be crucial for the next chapter of your life story will be to do the work yourself.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] One of the best new bands of 2009 was the Girls. Spin selected their CD Album as the fifth best album of the year. After touring for months and selling records, the band came back home to San Francisco in February to do a sold-out show at the Great American Music Hall. For his onstage apparel, lead singer Christopher Owens wore baggy orange flannel pajama bottoms and a rumpled green flannel shirt, proving that his newfound fame had not rendered him self-important or excessively dignified. I nominate Owens as your role model this week, Pisces. I'd like to see you move on up toward the next level in your chosen field of endeavor, even as you remain perfectly comfortable, full of casual grace, and at home in your excellence.
Homework: Consider the possibility of getting married to yourself. Here's a set of vows I wrote for you to use: http://bit.ly/IMeWed