By Keegan Hamilton
By Albert Samaha
By Village Voice staff
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES [March 21–April 19] Sarah Bernhardt (1844–1923) was called "the most famous actress the world has ever known." At age 70, she played the role of the 13-year-old Juliet in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. I commend her on her refusal to act her age, and recommend that you make a comparable effort in the coming weeks. For example, if you're in your twenties, try something you thought you wouldn't do until you were at a very ripe age. If you're over 50, be 25 for a while. It's an excellent time to do this kind of time-traveling.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] You might have to use primitive means to achieve modern wonders. It may be necessary to hearken back to what worked in the past in order to serve the brightest vision of the future. Take your cue from Luis Soriano, a teacher who carries a library of 120 books on the back of a donkey as he meanders around the back country of Columbia, helping poor kids learn how to read.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] Humans have been baking and eating bread for 5,000 years, but it wasn't until the 20th century that anyone figured out a fast way to cut it into thin pieces. Otto Rohwedder produced a machine that cut a loaf into individual slices. I bring him to your attention, Gemini, because I think you are in a phase of your life when you could very possibly create an innovation that would be as intimately revolutionary as Rohwedder's was for the masses. In fact, why aren't you working on it right now?
CANCER [June 21–July 22] In order to heal deep-seated problems, people may need to engage in long-term psychotherapy, patiently chipping away at their mental blocks for many years. But some lucky sufferers get their neuroses zapped virtually overnight, either with the help of a monumental event that shocks them out of their malaise or through the work of a brilliant healer who uses a few strokes of kamikaze compassion to creatively destroy their deluded fixations. I think you're now a candidate for this type of correction, Cancerian.
LEO [July 23–August 22] To discover useful truths, you will have to peek behind the curtains and root around to see what's cloaked in the dark and maybe even explore messes you'd rather not touch. What complicates your task is that the fake truths may be extra loud and shiny, distracting you from the down and dirty stuff with their relentless come-ons. But I have confidence in your ability to outmaneuver the propaganda, Leo. You shall know the hype, and knowing the hype will set you free.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] The evil geniuses of the advertising industry are hard at work in their labs dreaming up new mojo to stimulate your consumer lusts. Meanwhile, the media's campaign to get you to believe in debilitating fantasies and divert you from doing what's really good for you has reached a fever pitch. And here's the triple whammy: Even more than usual, some of your relatives and cohorts are angling to convince you that what pleases them is what pleases you. So is there any hope that you will be able to hone in on what truly excites you? (It's especially important that you do so right now.) The answer, in my opinion, is a qualified yes—IF you're willing to conduct intensive research into the idiosyncratic secrets of what makes you happy, and IF you're not scared to discover who you are when you're turned on all the way.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] If you were living in Greece in the fifth century B.C., I'd urge you to bathe in the spring at the shrine of Asklepios in Athens. If you were in 19th-century France, I'd recommend that you trek to the shrine at Lourdes—being sure to crawl the last half-mile on your hands and knees—and sip from the curative waters there. But since you're a busy 21st-century sophisticate and may have a limited belief in miracles, I'll simply suggest that you visit the most interesting tree you know and spill a bottle of pristine water over your head as you confess your sins and ask the sky for forgiveness and sing songs that purify you to the bone.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] It's quite possible that the nature of consciousness is in the midst of a fundamental transformation. Many of us are having experiences that were previously thought to be the province of mystics, such as epiphanies that give us perceptions of the interconnectedness of all life. Even as some religions lose members and devolve into cartoony fundamentalism, there are increasing numbers of intelligent seekers who cultivate a spiritual awareness outside the decrepit frameworks. If you haven't been on this bandwagon, Scorpio, now's a good time to jump on. If you're already on board, get ready for an accelerated ride.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] This week, you'll be working overtime while you sleep. Your dreaming mind will be playing around with solutions to your waking mind's dilemmas. Your ally, the wild conjurer in the diamond-encrusted sanctuary at the edge of the deep dark forest, will be spinning out medicine stories and rounding up help for you. So keep a notebook by your bed to record dreams. Also try to keep your mornings free of busy work so you can integrate the full impact of the nights' gifts. And don't despair if you can't actually remember any of your nocturnal adventures—their tasty after-images will remain with you subliminally, giving your logical mind an intuitive edge.