By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] I just found out the American shipping company UPS has legally trademarked the color brown. The grassroots activist in me is incredulous and appalled, but the poet in me doesn't really care—it's fine if UPS owns drab, prosaic brown. I've still got mahogany at my command, as well as tawny, sepia, taupe, burnt umber, tan, cinnamon, walnut, and henna. That's especially important for this horoscope, Capricorn, because I'm advising you to be very down-to-earth, be willing to get your hands dirty, and even play in the muck if necessary in order to take good care of the basics. But don't do any of that in a boring, humdrum "brown" way. Do it exotically and imaginatively, like mahogany, tawny, sepia, taupe, burnt umber, tan, cinnamon, walnut, and henna.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] You are hereby excused from having to know a single nuance about the inside story of Angelina Jolie's secret love tryst with Lady Gaga or the agony that millionaires suffer from having to support social services with their taxes. In fact, it's a good time to empty your mind of extraneous, trivial, and useless facts so that you can clear vast new spaces for more pressing data, like why you should do some upkeep on your close alliances, and what you might do to streamline your social life.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] You don't need anything that shrinks you or deflates you or tames you. Influences that pinch your imagination should be taboo, as should anything that squashes your hope or crimps your life force. To make proper use of the vibrations circulating in your vicinity, Pisces, you should gravitate toward situations that pump up your insouciance and energize your whimsy and incite you to express the most benevolent wickedness you can imagine. You've got a mandate to fatten up your soul so it can contain a vaster sense of wonder and a more daring brand of innocence.
Homework: I've got two favors to ask of you. No pressure! I'll still love you if you can't help. Go here for more info: http://bit.ly/TwoFavors