By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] NASA scientist Richard Gross believes that the recent 8.8 earthquake in Chile was so strong that it shifted the planet's axis and shortened the length of the day. The amounts were relatively small—three inches and 1.26 microseconds—but it was enough to make "the Earth ring like a bell." I predict a somewhat comparable seismic shift for you in the coming weeks. The main difference is that yours will not be generated by a painful jolt but rather by a breakthrough that's half smart and half lucky.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] In a library in Warsaw, there is a 1,000-plus-page memoir written by my great-great-great-great grandfather, Leon Dembowski, a close adviser to the last king of Poland. Some day, I'll photocopy that family heirloom, bring it back to America, and have it translated into English. The task I envision for you has a resemblance to mine. I think you will have the chance to uncover a wealth of material about where you came from, but it'll take a lot of reinterpretation.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] There's no need for you to get a T-shirt that says, "Oh, no, not another learning experience." According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you are not about to have an embarrassing stumble that could in retrospect be euphemistically referred to as a "learning experience." On the contrary, the educational events you'll be communing with will be pretty pleasurable, and will more closely resemble a hop, skip, and a jump than a stumble.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] I'm inclined to prophesy that in the days to come, you may be able to read the minds of people whose actions are critical to your success. I also suspect that you will know exactly what to do in order to banish a minor health problem. I'm even tempted to believe that when you gaze into the mirror, you will be more intrigued than you've been in a while. Have you ever heard a bird sing a song just for you? Did you ever find a small treasure you assumed was lost forever? Developments like those are in the works. There's only one catch: To get the most out of this grace period, you will have to summon more faith in yourself than you usually do.
Homework: Listen to my blasphemously reverent "Prayer for Us." Then read the lyrics.