By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES [March 21–April 19] All but one of our planet's mountain ranges have been mapped: the Gamburtsev Mountains, buried under 2.5 miles of ice in Antarctica. Recent efforts to get a read on this, aided by a network of seismic instruments, have revealed some initial details about it, including its role in forming the East Antarctic Ice Sheet. I recommend that you regard the Gamburtsevs as an iconic metaphor in the coming months, Aries. They'll be an apt symbol for one of your life's featured themes: the discovery and exploration of a massive unknown territory that has been hidden from view.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] It's my opinion that everyone has a duty to periodically check in with themselves to make sure they still are who they say they are. Over time, we get entranced by the persona we project. We're tempted to keep capitalizing on our past accomplishments in ways that lull us into complacency and give us unconscious permission to stop growing. You, Taurus, are in no worse danger of doing this than any of the rest of us. But the coming weeks will be an excellent time, astrologically speaking, for you to do an intensive check-in.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] The odds are higher than usual that you'll encounter a future soul brother or soul sister in the coming weeks. You're also likely to brush up against a tribe or team you could benefit from knowing more about. That's why I'm counseling you to be extra open to meeting people you don't know. Talk to strangers. Ask your friends to introduce you to their friends. And consider the possibility of skipping over the customary social formalities so you can reveal some of the core truths about who you are right from the start.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] Sci-fi author Neil Gaiman sometimes invites his readers to get involved in his creative process. While working on the story "Metamorpho," for example, he Twittered, "Trying to decide if broccoli is funnier than kohlrabi in a list of vegetables." When a number of fans suggested "rutabaga" instead, he took their suggestion. I'd like to borrow Gaiman's approach, as you're entering a phase of your astrological cycle when you'll have maximum power to shape your own destiny. So here's my question: What accomplishment would you like your horoscope to say you will complete by May 15? E-mail me at Truthrooster@gmail.com.
LEO [July 23–August 22] From the ninth to the 15th century, the Khmer empire thrived in what is now Cambodia. Its rulers were regarded as deities who had privileges that common folk didn't have. For example, each god-king was expected, according to custom, to engage in sexual relations with a sacred nine-headed serpent every single night, whether he was in the mood or not. (An actual human being usually served as a proxy for the magic snake.) I suspect you may get an inkling of the god-king's double-edged situation in the coming week, Leo. On the one hand, you're likely to be presented with the possibility of experiencing uncommonly interesting pleasure. On the other hand, there may be an obligatory quality to it—a slightly oppressive pressure that is fully blended with the bliss.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] According to the oracular priestess at the Greek shrine of Delphi, whom I consulted in my dream last night, your code phrases for the week are "luminous shadow" and "hidden light." That was the gist of her entire message; she didn't provide any more practical clues. But here are some ways I might interpret her prophecy if I were you: What dark place in your life might soon shine forth with a new radiance? Or: What secret beauty is aching to be found? Or: What odd asset have you been concealing for no good reason?
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] I strongly urge you not to watch "Telephone," the music video by Lady Gaga and Beyoncé. It epitomizes everything that's crazy-making about our culture: brilliantly executed, gorgeous to behold, and perversely seductive, even though its subject matter is degrading, demoralizing, and devoid of meaning. However, I encourage you to watch the video at least once. I think you'd benefit from seeing such an explicit embodiment of the crazy-making pressures you'll be wise to avoid exposing yourself to in the coming weeks.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] "Most of the time, life does not talk to you," writes Robert T. Kiyosaki. "It just sort of pushes you around. Each push is life saying, 'Wake up. There's something I want you to learn.' " Different people respond in different ways, he says. "Some just let life push them around. Others get angry and push back. But they push back against their boss, or their job, or their husband or wife. They do not know it's life that's pushing." I'm here to tell you, Scorpio, that what he says is particularly apropos for you right now. And I hope that you will neither allow yourself to get pushed around nor blame the wrong source for the push. Instead, make yourself available to learn the lesson that life's nudging you to pay attention to.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] NASA scientist Richard Gross believes that the recent 8.8 earthquake in Chile was so strong that it shifted the planet's axis and shortened the length of the day. The amounts were relatively small—three inches and 1.26 microseconds—but it was enough to make "the Earth ring like a bell." I predict a somewhat comparable seismic shift for you in the coming weeks. The main difference is that yours will not be generated by a painful jolt but rather by a breakthrough that's half smart and half lucky.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] In a library in Warsaw, there is a 1,000-plus-page memoir written by my great-great-great-great grandfather, Leon Dembowski, a close adviser to the last king of Poland. Some day, I'll photocopy that family heirloom, bring it back to America, and have it translated into English. The task I envision for you has a resemblance to mine. I think you will have the chance to uncover a wealth of material about where you came from, but it'll take a lot of reinterpretation.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] There's no need for you to get a T-shirt that says, "Oh, no, not another learning experience." According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you are not about to have an embarrassing stumble that could in retrospect be euphemistically referred to as a "learning experience." On the contrary, the educational events you'll be communing with will be pretty pleasurable, and will more closely resemble a hop, skip, and a jump than a stumble.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] I'm inclined to prophesy that in the days to come, you may be able to read the minds of people whose actions are critical to your success. I also suspect that you will know exactly what to do in order to banish a minor health problem. I'm even tempted to believe that when you gaze into the mirror, you will be more intrigued than you've been in a while. Have you ever heard a bird sing a song just for you? Did you ever find a small treasure you assumed was lost forever? Developments like those are in the works. There's only one catch: To get the most out of this grace period, you will have to summon more faith in yourself than you usually do.
Homework: Listen to my blasphemously reverent "Prayer for Us." Then read the lyrics.