By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] According to Uncyclopedia.com, Riding the Snake is co-authored by Oscar Wilde and Jesus Christ. I strongly suggest you read it. You could really use some help in taming the unruly kundalini that has been whipping you around. APRIL FOOL! I lied. There is no such book. But you'd still really benefit from getting more control over your instinctual energy. I'd love to see your libidinous power be more harnessed in behalf of your creative expression.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Supermodel Selita Ebanks is your role model. I recommend that you arrange for the kind of special treatment she enjoys as she's preparing for a runway show. That means getting five stylists to work for hours every day perfecting every aspect of your physical appearance. Please make sure they apply no less than 20 layers of makeup to your butt. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The omens say this is not a good time to obsess on your outer beauty. They do suggest, however, that attending to your inner beauty would be smart. So please do the equivalent of getting 20 layers of makeup applied to your soul's butt.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Would it be a wise idea for you to stage your own kidnapping and demand ransom money for your release? Should you appear on a reality-TV show that will expose your intimate secrets to millions of viewers? APRIL FOOL! The questions I just posed were terrible! They were irrelevant to the destiny you should be shaping for yourself. But they were provocative, and may therefore be the nudge you need to get smarter about formulating your choices. It has never been more important than it is right now for you to ask yourself good questions.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] It's an excellent time to demonstrate how strong and brave and indomitable you are. I suggest you carry out some heroic feat, like lying on a bed of nails while someone puts heavy concrete blocks all over your body, then uses a sledgehammer to smash those blocks. APRIL FOOL! What I just said is only half-true. While it's an excellent time to prove your mettle, there are far more constructive ways to do it than lying on a bed of nails. For example, you could try shaking off a bad influence that chronically saps your energy.
Homework: Get in the mood to see your life as a miracle. Listen to this: http://bit.ly/SongGlory