By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES [March 21–April 19] Hip-hop music definitely needs to include more tuba playing. Likewise, skateboarding would benefit from having more dogs that can master its complexities; the state of journalism could be improved by including more babies as reporters; and you Aries folks would significantly upgrade your life by learning how to play the game of cricket. (If you believe everything I just said, you'll be equally gullible when a little voice in your head tries to convince you to seek out things you don't really need or adopt behavior that doesn't suit you.)
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] Among the Anglo-Saxons, the month of May was called "Thrimilce," which referred to how cows were so productive at this time of year that they could be milked three times a day. I thought of that as I studied your astrological data. During this year's Thrimilce, you are impossibly fertile and creative. My advice is to give, but not to the point of exhaustion—the equivalent of three times a day, but not four.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] I encourage you to seek out a concentrated period of sweet oblivion. Not a numb, narcotized limbo. Not a mournful unconsciousness that's motivated by a depressive urge to give up. No, Gemini: The mental blankness that you cultivate should be generated by a quest to rejuvenate yourself, and it must have qualities of deliciousness and delight. You not only have a need to rest and recharge in a lush nowhere—you also have the right to do so.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] A while ago, I gave my readers this homework: "Tell a story about the time a divine intervention reached down and altered your course in one tricky, manic swoop." A woman named Kelly testified: "At first, I was disturbed to find I couldn't identify the last time Spirit descended into my midst with a forceful intervention. But finally I realized why: I have been working to make my whole life be guided by the Spirit of my Higher Power, as a deep undercurrent. That way, I don't need bolts of lightening to fix my course." It's an excellent time for you to follow Kelly's lead. Ask yourself how you could cultivate a deep, abiding undercurrent of the good influence you want to have guide you, thereby making lightning bolts of divine intervention unnecessary.
LEO [July 23–August 22] The height of Mount Everest has proved challenging. Even using modern scientific methods, different teams of surveyors have come up with varying measurements. The problem is not simply with the calculations themselves. Shifts in the earth's tectonic plates work to raise it up and move it northeastward. But there's also evidence that the melting of its glaciers due to climate change is causing it to shrink. A member of one mountain climbing expedition said, "If Everest is bobbing up and down, we must hope to catch it on a low day." I bring this to your attention, Leo, in order to offer you a metaphor for the coming weeks. Your version of Mount Everest is shriveling. Get ready to ascend.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] Have you been fantasizing about cheating on the deity you've always been faithful to, and seeking a taboo liaison with a strange and exciting god from another part of reality? If so, that's a good sign. You could use a few adjustments to your familiar relationship with the Divine Wow. After all, you have gone through a lot of changes since the last time you hammered out your definitive theories about the meaning of life. What made good sense for you back then can't be completely true for you any more. So feel free to let your mind wander in the direction of holy experiments.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] When a girl is born, her ovaries already contain all the eggs she will ever have. What this means, of course, is that a part of you was in your grandmother's womb as well as in your mother's. Now would be an excellent time to celebrate that primal fact. Your connection with your mother's mother is especially important these days. I suggest you meditate on what gifts and liabilities you received from her (genetic and otherwise), and how you might be able to make better use of the gifts even as you take steps to outwit the liabilities.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] Who is the person most unlike you in the world? I suggest you study that person for tips on how to improve your life. What are the healthy experiences you are least attracted to? You might want to meditate on exactly why they're so unappealing, and use that information to update your ideas about yourself. What are the places on the earth that you long ago decided you would never visit? I invite you to fantasize being in those places and enjoying yourself. Can you guess why I'm calling this Opposite Week, Scorpio?
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] Are you in a trance, or a jam? If so, excuse yourself. You need spaciousness. You need slack. You need to wander off and do something different from what you have been doing. If there's any behavior you indulge in with manic intensity, drop it for a while. If you've been caught up in a vortex of excruciating sincerity or torturous politeness, shake it off and be more authentic. Of all the good reasons you have for relaxing your death grip, here's one of the best: Life can't bring you the sublime gift it has for you until you interrupt your pursuit of a mediocre gift.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] The state of Texas is a Capricorn, having become part of the United States on December 29, 1845. At that time, it was granted the right to divide itself into five separate states at some future date. So far, it hasn't chosen to do so, and I would advise it to continue that policy. I extend the same counsel to all of my Capricorn readers. From an astrological perspective, this is not a favorable time for you to break yourself up into subsections. On the contrary: I suggest you sow unity and solidarity among your various parts.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] I'm all for recycling, composting, and carpooling. Anything you and I can do to reduce our carbon footprint is brilliant. But I also agree with author Chris Hedges, who says, "The reason the ecosystem is dying is not because we still have a dryer in our basement. It is because corporations look at everything, from human beings to the natural environment, as exploitable commodities. It is because consumption is the engine of corporate profits." So beyond our efforts to save the Earth by adjusting our own individual habits, we've got to revise the way corporations work. Now let's apply this way of thinking to the specific personal dilemma you're facing right now: It's important for you to change yourself, yes—and I'm glad you're taking responsibility for your role in the complications—but you will also have to transform the system you're a part of.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] Every year, Americans fork over six times as much money on buying lottery tickets as they do on going to the movies. Yet many people who actually buck the improbable odds regard their "luck" as a curse. "Winning the lottery is like throwing Miracle-Gro on all your character defects," said one person. Let this serve as a cautionary tale for you in the coming months, Pisces. To get ready for the good things that are headed your way, you should work to purify any darkness that's lurking in your unconscious.
Homework: Why is this a perfect moment? Write to Truthrooster@gmail.com.