By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
Dear Readers: Over the past couple of weeks, the Know Nothing nation has invaded my inbox with the question of why the United States can't follow the stringent immigration laws of Mexico. They're merely parroting a recent column by the reprehensible Michelle Malkin, who thought that bringing up the issue was an original angle to rankle Reconquistas. ¡Que pendeja! The Mexican covered this question back in 2006, so let's hop into the Hot Comal Time Machine and reprint the pregunta y mi answer:
Dear Mexican: Why shouldn't the United States adopt the same type of anti-illegal immigration laws that Mexico keeps on its books? Illegal aliens in Mexico are felons—so why do Mexicans complain if the U.S. wants to do that as well? Mexico deported over 200,000 Central Americans last year—so why do illegal aliens from Mexico complain if the U.S. deports a few? Foreign nationals in Mexico can't stage massive marches in the streets waving the flags of their home countries—in fact, Mexican law prohibits such tactics under penalty of jail time. So how does "The Mexican" respond? —Very Hypocritical
Dear Gabacho: Why in God's good name would Americans ever want to follow Mexico's example? Mexico experienced boom times when it welcomed immigrants, and much of what passes for Mexican culture today came courtesy of these late-19th- and early-20th-century influxes—banda and norteño music (German and Czech), al pastor meat (Arab), Frida Kahlo (Jews), calling all Asians chinos (chinos). But once Mexico began cracking down on immigration after the drafting of the 1917 Mexican Constitution, which forced every foreigner to "strictly comply with the conditions established for him in the immigration permit and the dispositions established by the respective laws," this once promising country stagnated. A more liberal immigration policy is one of the things that distinguishes the United States from Mexico—that and flushable toilet paper. Like France, Mexico worries about the "purity" of its "national identity"; our Founding Fathers understood that immigrants enrich us with their customs, numbers, and, sure, cheap labor. We agree on one thing: Like Mexico, we should deport more Central Americans. The Guatemalan menace must be stopped at all costs.
ANOTHER GROUP OF UNDOCUMENTED MEXICANS IN ARIZONA TO CARE ABOUT: Wild burros. For the past decade, the Bureau of Land Management has been rounding up the little guys and their gabacho cousins, mustangs, and corralling them away from their natural habitats in the American West. For more information on the BLM's latest inhumane actions, visit the In Defense of Animals website at idausa.org. And for a beautiful telling of how we got to this harassment of equine Mexis, buy Deanne Stillman's Mustang: The Saga of the Wild Horse in the American West.
CONFIDENTIAL TO: The woman who wrote in an e-mail that I was an "ass-ugly lice-ridden peasant" and "wetback fucker," then proceeded to boast, "My sons wear masks at night and go around looking for wetbacks to beat the shit out of. It's their small contribution to making America better." Sticks and piedras may break my huesos, but your words will never hurt me. Your sons, on the other hand? I forwarded your e-mail to the proper authorities. Next time you're going to boast about your sons assaulting innocent Mexicans, at least use a fake e-mail—don't use your real name, a name so rare that you're the only one with it in the entire United States. May God curse you with beautiful half-Mexican grandkids, pendeja.