By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
ARIES [March 21–April 19] The "secret" is in plain sight. The "lost key" is very close to where you left it when you last used it. The "missing link" is missing in the sense that no one recognizes it for what it is. The "unasked question" is beaming toward you from three directions. The "wounded talent" will be healed the moment you stop thinking of it as wounded and start regarding it as unripe.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] It's time for some image medicine, Taurus. Wherever you are right now, I invite you to look down at your left palm and imagine that you see: an infinity sign whose shape is made by a series of small yellow rubber duckies flowing along slowly in continuous motion. They are all wearing gold crowns, each of which is studded with three tiny rubies. With resonant tones that belie their diminutive and comic appearance, the duckies are singing you your favorite song. What else can see you see there? What happens next?
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] If you have long conversations with the image in the mirror this week, I won't call you a megalomaniacal narcissist. Nor will I make fun of you if you Google yourself obsessively, or fill an entire notebook with answers to the question "Who am I, anyway?" In my astrological opinion, this is an excellent time for you to pursue nosy explorations into the mysteries of your core identity. You have cosmic permission to think about yourself with an intensity you might normally devote to a charismatic idol you're infatuated with.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] "Nietzsche Family Circus" features collaborations between the family-oriented comic strip "Family Circus" and the portentous wisdom of Friedrich Nietzsche. I'd say this is a perfect time for you to expose yourself to this stuff. You need to toughen up some of your weepy urges and brighten up some of your somber tendencies.
LEO [July 23–August 22] Gather your rewards, Leo. Collect the favors you're owed. It's your big chance to reap the fruits you've been sowing and cultivating these past 11 months. And no, don't try to stretch out the process. Don't procrastinate about plucking the ripe pickings. This really is the climax. The time for your peak experience has arrived. If you postpone the harvest for another two weeks, your beauties may start to go to seed.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] What are you waiting for? Your future power spot has been exerting a strong pull on you. It has been calling for you to come and seize the clout you deserve. But you have not yet fully taken up the offer. As your designated nag and cheerleader, it is my sacred duty to wave a red flag in front of your gorgeous face and command you to pay attention. In my opinion, you need to drop what you're doing, race over to the zone of engagement, and pounce. You're more than ready to stake a claim to the increased authority you'll have a mandate to wield in the coming months.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] If you've read my horoscopes for a while, you know I'm the least superstitious astrologer on the planet. I champion the cause of reason and logic, praise the beauty of science, and discourage you from constantly scanning the horizon for fearful omens. And yet I'm also a zealous advocate of the power of the liberated imagination. I believe that the playful and disciplined use of fantasy can be a potent agent for benevolent change in your life. That's why, in accordance with the current astrological configurations, I suggest that you spend some quality time in the coming week having imaginary conversations with the person, living or dead, who inspires you the most.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] "I want to be everywhere at once and do everything at the same time," writes J.T. He's in luck, because your tribe is about to enjoy a phase much like what he describes. "No more of this linear, one-day-at-a-time stuff," he continues. "I want a week packed into each 24-hour turn of the Earth, with heavy doses of leisure time interwoven with bouts of hard, creative labor. I want to live in a secret garden with 10 years of solitude. I want to sing with angels and romp with devils in between walking the dog, exercising at the gym, and chatting to perfectly ordinary people. I want enough money to fill a swimming pool, and I want to live like there's no such thing as money."
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] If you live on the Danish island of Mando, your only hope for driving your vehicle to the mainland and back is when the tide is low. During those periods, the water often recedes far enough to expose a gravel road that's laid down over a vast mudflat. Winter storms sometimes make even low-tide passages impossible. There's a comparable situation in your life. You can only get from where you are to where you want to go at certain selected times and under certain selected conditions. Make sure you're thoroughly familiar with those times and conditions.