By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] The eulachon is a fish that lives off the Pacific Coast of North America. Its fat content is so high that the Chinook Indians used to dry it, thread it with a wick, and employ it as a candle. The stink was bad, but the light was good. Remind you of anything in your life right now, Capricorn? Something that provides a steady flow of illumination, even if it is a bit annoying or inconvenient? I say, treasure it for what it is and accept it for what it isn't.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] When I was growing up in Michigan, playing in the snow was a great joy. As much as I loved the arrival of each new spring, I endured a mourning period as the ground's last patch of dirty sleet melted. Once in late March, though, I talked my mom into letting me store five snowballs in the freezer. It wasn't until my birthday in late June that I retrieved the precious artifacts. I was slightly disappointed to find they had become more like iceballs than snowballs. On the other hand, their symbolism was deeply gratifying. I'd managed to invoke the tangible presence of winter fun in the summertime. I urge you to attempt a comparable alchemy, Aquarius. Figure out how to take a happiness you have felt in another context and transpose it into where you are right now.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] "Even Norah Jones got bored with Norah Jones," wrote critic Aidin Vaziri in his review of her recent concert in San Francisco. For years, she has tranquilized us with her safe, soothing music, he said, but not any more. It was like she was fresh from a "makeover reality show." Her new stuff, which included an "indie-rock jolt" and quasi-psychedelic riffs, exuded grit and defiance and weirdness. Norah Jones is your role model for the next couple of weeks, Pisces. If there have been any ways in which you've been boring yourself, it's prime time to scramble the code.
Homework: Chant this string of magic words five times a day as you visualize yourself feeling happy: "Bravo Viva Whoopee Eureka Hallelujah Abracadabra." Report results to Truthrooster@gmail.com.