Will Anyone Buy "Woody Hoodie" Condoms?

Swing-dancing, Fringe-watching, Montauk-visiting—almost relaxing

Most interestingly of all, cute young men in vests were performing all kinds of intricate steps with older women. Were they gigolos? No, one of the boys explained to me, "We're instructors from the Dance With Me school in Ridgefield, New Jersey. We took our students for a night out." I'm signing up for lessons as we speak. By the way, Battaglia's band was swell, and they even did my request: "Girl Talk"!

It was back to the Village people when I foxtrotted onto the Queen of Hearts on Pier 40 for a "Sea Tea" (as opposed to a "CT") that put the Pose back in Poseidon. The cruise was hosted by the pageantry-laden LGBT organization the Imperial Court of New York—particularly Vanity and Pepperica Swirl, who, I hear, are the frontrunners to be the next Emperor and Empress. And it was smoother sailing than I expected, especially since there was a buffet on the bottom level, dancing on the top deck, and nice views of Jersey fading into the background on the middle. But I do wish that during the drag show portion of the evening, the Judy Garland impersonator hadn't almost given me a concussion while running through the audience grabbing tips for the charity, Friends House. We don't need to save some gays while disabling others, darling.

And speaking of the big business of fucking over oppressed people, don't you love Sarah Palin begging Dr. Laura Schlessinger not to "retreat," though Palin is the one who quit her governor job without looking back? And don't you adore her praising Laura's constitutional rights while simultaneously trying to stop a place of worship from opening? Meanwhile, Laura admitted that she was wrong with that whole "N-word" debacle, but she still went on to paint herself as a victim of the p.c. police. You can't have it both ways, honey. I should know—I'm the most famous person here!

A toast to Montauk!
A toast to Montauk!

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