New Year's Eve: Wild Card

And now for something completely different

Carolines
As a comedy destination, Carolines is the top of the mountain for all comics on their way to greatness. (Both Bill Hicks and Mitch Hedberg made their last appearances here before departing for the Great Beyond.) But don’t let the chaos outside distract you—there’s a great party happening in this cozy basement. On the biggest night of the year, James Smith, Nate Bargatze, Harrison Greenbaum, Vince August, Kurt Metzger, and Mike Vecchione are some of the acts scheduled for “The Funniest Party in the Universe.” With shows at 8 and 10 p.m. in the heart of Times Square, this is a great place to get warm before the countdown. And if you just want to stay put, you can watch the ball drop on their flat-screen TVs and dance to the music of their live DJ after midnight. 1626 Broadway, 212-757-4100, carolines.com, 8 p.m. show, $38.25; 10 p.m. show, $87

St. Anthony of Padua’s Alcoholics Anonymous Dance
People in AA have a lot of friends these days. And, honestly, I don’t understand how they don’t have more, because the past few years have been a hell ride for most people in this city and, as any seasoned New York veteran knows, it’s easier to cry into your beer than swim against the counter-clockwise current of your life being flushed down the proverbial toilet. While the streets are jam-packed with drunks, it might be time to give some serious consideration to sober living. I’m 90 percent positive that it’s time to try it before she leaves you and they repossess your car. Go and make some new friends—yours are killing you. From 9 p.m. through 2 a.m., 154 Sullivan Street, Basement of St. Anthony’s Church, 212-777-2755, nominal cover

Dramatic illumination at the Met
Dramatic illumination at the Met
Chucklefest 2011
Chucklefest 2011

Stay the Hell Home
Dick Clark scares the shit out of me. Ever since my family and friends abandoned me at home with the flu five years ago, I’ve had an issue with him. It was just me and Dick for what seemed like a million eternities. Too weak to find the remote, I lay on the couch shivering uncontrollably while vomiting into a bowl as he shouted at me from across the room. It might have been just a fever-induced hallucination, but the man knows more about me than I care to share here. If you do stay in this year, have your friends come to you—and cancel your cable so no one gets any brilliant ideas. Various locations

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