What you’re looking at here is a commercial that’s recently started to be aired on television, for a high-rise condominium in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, called the Williamsburg Edge. Now that the word “Williamsburg” is being used as a descriptor to the rest of the world to sell places not in Williamsburg, how it Williamsburg being sold to the rest of the world?
In a word, humiliatingly.
Here’s a guide to help you watch this video:
00:01: Christ on a cross, what is that music? It sounds like a teenage Godsmack cover band’s outtake riffs.
00:02: Can the Rolling Stones sue you for that? They should.
00:03: Of all the ridiculous fashions to trend in Williamsburg, five-inch wedges are not nor will they ever be one of them. Ever. What are those?
00:07: Can’t wait to find out who’s gonna be using that pool.
00:09: Though if it is the guy with the red wire-frame glasses, we wouldn’t be surprised. You cast this guy in Astoria, didn’t you?
00:12: I don’t even understand. You just shook water off of you, and kind of spasm’d. That doesn’t sell apartments. That doesn’t sell anything. That was weird.
00:13: Homeboy with the buzz-cut, black-frames, and skinny tie: you know she was just with your red-framed glasses bro, right? The only thing accurate about this commercial so far is that nobody was asked if they have gonorrhea before holding hands.
00:15: “New York City’s Hippest Neighborhood”? Not anymore.
00:20: Anybody with enough money to live in the edge doesn’t give a shit that it’s sustainable. Walk around the trash-littered Williamsburg, and you’ll know what a low priority environmentalism is for many of its residents.
00:25: Didn’t the McKibben lofts lock down “hardcore luxury” (which was a euphemism for euphemistic homelessness) like five years ago? Also, what the shit is “hardcore” about Williamsburg? Or about these lofts? Or this building?
An entire New York neighborhood is now the new decade’s equivalent of cargo pants. It will only get uglier from here on out. The Edge edited a new version of this ad, but I can’t tell the difference in awfulness. When the revolution comes, I hope this place gets occupied first.