CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] All the most credible studies say that the crime rate is decreasing, and yet three out of every four people believe it's rising. What conclusions can we draw from this curious discrepancy? Here's one: The majority of the population is predisposed towards pessimism. In my astrological opinion, Capricorn, you can't afford to be victimized by this mass psychosis. If you are, it will interfere with and probably even stunt the good fortune headed your way. I'm not asking you to be absurdly optimistic. Just try to root out any tendencies you might have to be absurdly gloomy.

AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] In the early 20th century, many women at the beach covered most of their bodies with swimsuits made of wool. If they went in the water, they'd emerge about 20 pounds heavier. Swimming was a challenge. Your current state has resemblances to what you'd feel like if you were wearing drenched woand a drenched woolen clown suit and a drenched woolen robe. My advice? Take it off. The astrological omens are clear: Whatever your reasons were for being in this get-up in the first place are no longer valid.

PISCES [February 19–March 20] In comedian Sarah Silverman's memoir, The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee, she confesses that she was still wetting her bed at age 19. Depression was a constant companion throughout adolescence, and she took a lot of Xanax. Yet somehow she grew into such a formidable adult that she was able to corral God himself to write the afterword for her book. How did she manage that? "This is so trite," she told Publishers Weekly, "but . . . sex." I predict that a comparable reversal of fortune is ahead for you, Pisces. Some part of your past will be redeemed, quite possibly with the sexy help of a divine ally.

Details

In addition to this column,
Rob Brezsny offers
EXPANDED WEEKLY AUDIO HOROSCOPES
and
DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES
designed to inspire you.

To buy access, go here.
The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-877-873-4888 end_of_the_skype_highlighting or 1-900-950-7700.




Revised and expanded 2009 edition of Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings

by Rob Brezsny




Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.

Listen to MP3s, read the lyrics, or buy the cd, Give Too Much.




Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.

Related Stories

More About

Homework: Look in the mirror and tell yourself an edgy but fun truth you've never spoken. If you care to share, write Truthrooster@gmail.com.

« Previous Page
 |
 
1
 
2
 
All
 
My Voice Nation Help
0 comments
 
Loading...