By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] All the most credible studies say that the crime rate is decreasing, and yet three out of every four people believe it's rising. What conclusions can we draw from this curious discrepancy? Here's one: The majority of the population is predisposed towards pessimism. In my astrological opinion, Capricorn, you can't afford to be victimized by this mass psychosis. If you are, it will interfere with and probably even stunt the good fortune headed your way. I'm not asking you to be absurdly optimistic. Just try to root out any tendencies you might have to be absurdly gloomy.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] In the early 20th century, many women at the beach covered most of their bodies with swimsuits made of wool. If they went in the water, they'd emerge about 20 pounds heavier. Swimming was a challenge. Your current state has resemblances to what you'd feel like if you were wearing drenched woand a drenched woolen clown suit and a drenched woolen robe. My advice? Take it off. The astrological omens are clear: Whatever your reasons were for being in this get-up in the first place are no longer valid.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] In comedian Sarah Silverman's memoir, The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee, she confesses that she was still wetting her bed at age 19. Depression was a constant companion throughout adolescence, and she took a lot of Xanax. Yet somehow she grew into such a formidable adult that she was able to corral God himself to write the afterword for her book. How did she manage that? "This is so trite," she told Publishers Weekly, "but . . . sex." I predict that a comparable reversal of fortune is ahead for you, Pisces. Some part of your past will be redeemed, quite possibly with the sexy help of a divine ally.
Homework: Look in the mirror and tell yourself an edgy but fun truth you've never spoken. If you care to share, write Truthrooster@gmail.com.