By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Stand-up comedian Arj Barker says that when he writes each of his jokes, he's thinking that all he needs to do is make it funny enough to get at least three people in the audience to laugh at it. More than three is gravy, and he hopes he does get more. But if he can just get those three, he believes, he will always get a lot of work in his chosen profession. In accordance with the astrological rhythms, Capricorn, I urge you to adopt a similar approach. To be successful in the coming days, you don't need an approval rating of 80 percent.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] The renegade spiritual sect known as the Church of the Subgenius values one treasure above all others: not salvation, not holiness, but rather Slack. And what is Slack? It is a state of being in which everything flows smoothly—a frame of mind so unfettered and at ease that the entire universe just naturally cooperates with you. When you've got abundant reserves of Slack, you don't strain and struggle to make desired events unfold, and you don't crave things you don't really need. You're surrendered to the greater intelligence that guides your life, and it provides you with a knack for attracting only what's truly satisfying. Happy Slack Week, Aquarius! I suspect you will have loads of that good stuff, which means your freedom to be your authentic self will be at a peak.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] "Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense," said writer Gertrude Stein many decades ago. Isn't that about a thousand times truer in 2011? It takes rigorous concentration not to be inundated with data. But that's exactly your assignment, Pisces. It's absolutely crucial for you to be a beacon of common sense in the coming days. To meet your dates with destiny, you will have to be earthy, uncluttered, well-grounded, and in close touch with your body's intuition. If that requires you to cut back dramatically on the volume of information you take in, so be it.
Homework: Happiness, that elusive beast, sometimes needs to be tracked through the bushes before capture. Send a description of your game plan for hunting down happiness in 2010. Write to Truthrooster@gmail.com.