Dear Single Women of NYC: It's Not Them, It's You.

The plight of the single lady

Meanwhile, our fine city was recently ranked the top spot for single men to find a willing lady to smooch, and whatever else, on New Year's Eve, according to more numbers from Mr. Florida. We were named number one of 2010's top 29 cities for dudes to live in: a/k/a "paradise for men," according to gratuitous macho website AskMen.com. Luisita Lopez Torregrosa, writing in Politics Daily, called the ratio of men to women "scarily in favor of men," and advised ladies to "go West—San Diego, Dallas, and Seattle. It's where the boys are."

As Tamsen Fadal, relationship expert and the female member of "America's only husband-wife matchmaking team" told us, "New York is like a candy store to men. If they think, 'This girl's not giving me what I want, or pushing things too quickly,' they find someone else. It's an unlevel playing field."

Of course, love is inherently not a level playing field—its terrain is rocky, uncharted, completely unfair. The beautiful, the smart, the successful, and the young will attract more than their allotment of admirers, while the ugly, the desperate, the "too old," and the socially unfit for whatever reason are just not going to have the same dating opportunities. If you're a die-hard optimist, maybe you believe that there's someone for everyone, but there are far more somebodies for some, male or female.

If you're a single man who has moved to New York City, chances are it has to do with being good—even the best—at something. Hence the workaholics, status-aholics, power-aholics, and whatever else ambition breeds. Meanwhile, the streets are plentiful with ever more attractive women. Amid all that, there is a sense of perpetual youth, a staving off of the trappings of adulthood—like "settling down and getting married"—far into our 30s and even 40s because, frankly, we can get away with it. And there's so much to do! Why get married when you're having so much fun? As one man admitted, "Guys in New York have unrealistic standards for what their lives should be."

But it's hardly fair to say that New York City women haven't come here for much the same reasons that men have, or that they don't have similarly unrealistic expectations. "I think there are a couple of different problems in New York," says Fadal. "People who live in New York are successful in their field or want to be. We're not someplace where so much of our time is devoted to relationships. We then realize our years sort of went by."

This is true of all of us, men and women. Yet somehow, helped along by rom-coms and self-help books and chick lit, at some point we learn to ignore the simple fact that there are two people in every relationship, and that they both have a hand in whether it succeeds or fails. And something else: that the success or failure of most relationships can, if we look at them with open eyes, probably be predicted from the very beginning based on some simple indicators.

Take a "concept" like "He's Just Not That Into You," which puts blame squarely on the man's shoulders. How freeing: He is just not that into you! But at what point did we lose the capacity to be as "Just Not That Into You" as the men? If we're to expect a society in which men and women are truly considered equals, women have to accept their portion of the responsibility, and the blame.

Here's the deal, women of New York City: The so-called plight of the single lady? It's not about him. It's about you.

Some years ago, having lived in New York City since graduating from college, I was visiting my parents for Thanksgiving. An older male neighbor who had been invited to dinner took one look at me across the table and said to my mother, "She's single? She's pretty. What's wrong with her?"

You can probably imagine the indignant response that ensued, in which I (and my mom) defended my choice not to be married and not even be dating anyone at the ripe old age of, say, 26, because it's New York and that's how the kids do things there, and plus I'd just broken up with someone, and who are you to tell me I should already be paired off and shuffled down the aisle for a life of tedium and domesticity anyway, old neighbor man?

But, really, the question hit home because there was truth to it. There was (and still is) something wrong with me. And it's the same thing that's "wrong" with pretty much every single woman in New York complaining she can't find a decent man, or who has perhaps even given up in pursuit of her own continued drama and mini-amusements with the kind of guys she'd never want to settle down with anyway (safer that way): We don't know what we want. And so we want a little bit of everything, over and over again.

Auntie Mame said famously that "Life is a banquet, and most poor bastards are starving to death!" But those poor bastards don't live in New York City, where the banquet is 24 hours a day and everybody wants a piece of everybody else, if just for a little amuse-bouche. We're free and "grown up" and independent; we can do what we want, sexually and otherwise. Which is part of the problem, if you're going to call it that.

« Previous Page
 |
 
1
 
2
 
3
 
4
 
5
 
All
 
Next Page »
 
My Voice Nation Help
15 comments
jason1137
jason1137

Well with so many women nowadays that like sleeping around, it is really very hard for them to settle with just One Man.

melshutson
melshutson

It doesn't matter where you are, the demand for the most attractive women vastly exceeds the supply!

ppatricia221
ppatricia221

I honestly believe and stand firm on this that it has nothing to do with the amount of women ratio to men, nor does it have to do with where you point the finger to but everything to do with mis communication among any age group and the unfortunate mistake of meeting the wrong individuals during a point within your life which leaves you fear to commit to the next individual totally and unconditionally, yes we all would love to meet the movie character that men portray on television but in real life what every woman needs and dreams about is simply feeling the chemistry knowing that the feelings are mutual and feeling respected, wanted as well as needed.  Sex is something that we all need but it is not the binding ingredient that keeps two individuals together forever and it is not true that men will commit to those that do not give in, it does not really make a difference on how it happens or why, it is something that many have tried to figure out and are still baffled about the ingredients that are needed to make that special combination that pushes you to make the final commitment to that one and only.

It is not the money, the job, or what you can offer it is the sparks that we feel for the individual we are with and want to spend the rest of our lives with.

Yes once the sparks are there then of course having the other important factors in place make it that much better, but truly men and women waste too much time with games and lies and in the interim end up losing many great friendships, perfect lovers and future soul mates and all due to listening to stupidity that others tell us or how or why things happen.

When a real relationship is meant to be it will be against all odds and if it is not meant to be it is not.  I lived most of my life in New York city and I have met plenty of assholes as well as many wonderful and extremely respectfully, smart and successful individuals regardless if they were date or platonic friends these men do exist and they are real you just have to know how to get to know them for who they are and then let nature take it's course.

If a man asks you on the first date how many dates you need to have before you can have sex and constantly complains about their financial status then you know that this guy falls within the assholes category and that he is simply waiting to see what he can get out of a date and move on so according to these experiences that most women had men are being viewed under an extreme tight scrutiny as well as the one men are using in screening their dates.  So dating is not an easy thing to do at any age, it is easier to fall in love at a younger age only because we have experienced less heartache and have a more open mind to it, but true love is experienced regardless at what age and it can happen in a split second of your time taking your breath away without realizing and it can be done by an individual who is not famous or rich because love has no meter control at all and it has no pattern or rules.  New York City has always gotten a bad rap for having the rudest people, the least caring and the most problems, could it be that we get a bad rap due to the fact that we are a great city, we do have the greatest, smartest, wisest ,caring and creative individuals as well?

ppatricia221
ppatricia221

I honestly believe and stand firm on this that it has nothing to do with the amount of women ratio to men, nor does it have to do with where you point the finger to but everything to do with mis communication among any age group and the unfortunate mistake of meeting the wrong individuals during a point within your life which leaves you fear to commit to the next individual totally and unconditionally, yes we all would love to meet the movie character that men portray on television but in real life what every woman needs and dreams about is simply feeling the chemistry knowing that the feelings are mutual and feeling respected, wanted as well as needed.  Sex is something that we all need but it is not the binding ingredient that keeps two individuals together forever and it is not true that men will commit to those that do not give in, it does not really make a difference on how it happens or why, it is something that many have tried to figure out and are still baffled about the ingredients that are needed to make that special combination that pushes you to make the final commitment to that one and only.

It is not the money, the job, or what you can offer it is the sparks that we feel for the individual we are with and want to spend the rest of our lives with.

Yes once the sparks are there then of course having the other important factors in place make it that much better, but truly men and women waste too much time with games and lies and in the interim end up losing many great friendships, perfect lovers and future soul mates and all due to listening to stupidity that others tell us or how or why things happen.

When a real relationship is meant to be it will be against all odds and if it is not meant to be it is not.  I lived most of my life in New York city and I have met plenty of assholes as well as many wonderful and extremely respectfully, smart and successful individuals regardless if they were date or platonic friends these men do exist and they are real you just have to know how to get to know them for who they are and then let nature take it's course.

If a man asks you on the first date how many dates you need to have before you can have sex and constantly complains about their financial status then you know that this guy falls within the assholes category and that he is simply waiting to see what he can get out of a date and move on so according to these experiences that most women had men are being viewed under an extreme tight scrutiny as well as the one men are using in screening their dates.  So dating is not an easy thing to do at any age, it is easier to fall in love at a younger age only because we have experienced less heartache and have a more open mind to it, but true love is experienced regardless at what age and it can happen in a split second of your time taking your breath away without realizing and it can be done by an individual who is not famous or rich because love has no meter control at all and it has no pattern or rules.  New York City has always gotten a bad rap for having the rudest people, the least caring and the most problems, could it be that we get a bad rap due to the fact that we are a great city, we do have the greatest, smartest, wisest and most caring individuals as well?

ppatricia221
ppatricia221

I honestly believe and stand firm on this that it has nothing to do with the amount of women ratio to men, nor does it have to do with where you point the finger to but everything to do with mis communication among any age group and the unfortunate mistake of meeting the wrong individuals during a point within your life which leaves you fear to commit to the next individual totally and unconditionally, yes we all would love to meet the movie character that men portray on television but in real life what every woman needs and dreams about is simply feeling the chemistry knowing that the feelings are mutual and feeling respected, wanted as well as needed.  Sex is something that we all need but it is not the binding ingredient that keeps two individuals together forever and it is not true that men will commit to those that do not give in, it does not really make a difference on how it happens or why, it is something that many have tried to figure out and are still baffled about the ingredients that are needed to make that special combination that pushes you to make the final commitment to that one and only.

It is not the money, the job, or what you can offer it is the sparks that we feel for the individual we are with and want to spend the rest of our lives with.

Yes once the sparks are there then of course having the other important factors in place make it that much better, but truly men and women waste too much time with games and lies and in the interim end up losing many great friendships, perfect lovers and future soul mates and all due to listening to stupidity that others tell us or how or why things happen.

When a real relationship is meant to be it will be against all odds and if it is not meant to be it is not.  I lived most of my life in New York city and I have met plenty of assholes as well as many wonderful and extremely respectfully, smart and successful individuals regardless if they were date or platonic friends these men do exist and they are real you just have to know how to get to know them for who they are and then let nature take it's course.

If a man asks you on the first date how many dates you need to have before you can have sex and constantly complains about their financial status then you know that this guy falls within the assholes category and that he is simply waiting to see what he can get out of a date and move on so according to these experiences that most women had men are being viewed under an extreme tight scrutiny as well as the one men are using in screening their dates.  So dating is not an easy thing to do at any age, it is easier to fall in love at a younger age only because we have experienced less heartache and have a more open mind to it, but true love is experienced regardless at what age and it can happen in a split second of your time taking your breath away without realizing and it can be done by an individual who is not famous or rich because love has no meter control at all and it has no pattern or rules.

WestSide7
WestSide7

Bad news for you women in NYC ….it IS you. Too many women in this city are terribly impossible to please, gold-diggers, hypocritically self-righteous, and misandrists.

Absurdities I’ve encountered (BTW I’m 6’1” and pretty good looking, and yes single)

  • I make well over a $100k but still have been told because I’m not a hedge fund guy, they won’t be able to quit their jobs so I’m out.

  • Others are in their 40s and state they still want to have kids ‘someday.’ Ha laughable. You wasted your youth too focused on your career and not settling down with one of the 10 good guys you’ve come across in your dating over the years and in your 40s you honestly think it’s still a real possibility. Get a clue! Time is NOT on your side (or the man's...believe it or not some of us really do want to have kids soon).

  • Hygiene and grooming? Been out on dates with women who chew with their mouths open, have hairy moles on their face or arms (see a plastic surgeon already and get that eyesore removed already)! Caked on make-up! Oh and the overweight self-acceptance movement is absurd. Too many women in this city you can tell don’t work out or enough.

  • Girls who expected me to pay for everything and others who were insulted when I would let them pay halfsies. Which is it?

  • Constantly giving conflicting messages and then being mad at the guy for not always know what to do or so like the women who told me date 2 she wanted to straddle me but then date 4 lying in my bed became a prude. Stop being so asexual...enjoy your youth!

  • Lacking manners. Flaking out just hours before a date (has happened to every guy) and selfishly ruining that guys plans. If you make plans still to them. Take some damn responsibility for others feelings. Yes most men do have feelings.

BTW there is NOT more women than men in this city. The only place in NYC I’ve seen that honestly has more women than men is the UES. Go out in any other neighborhood and you see men outnumber women 2 to 1. Where are all these supposed surpluses of women!?

Stop blaming men for not being some fake movie hero and take a hard look in the mirror!

Shreya123
Shreya123

I think it is quite true, although choices are there if you want to meet single men , the difficult part is to search and find what you have in mind, while you may want to try what comes your way but in such a journey there may be too many ups and downs to your liking, I would say dating meeting sites like MeetOutside, do present a way to filter out and find the sort of men we want to date, so this can be looked into.

ariannahiggins
ariannahiggins

Some of us natives aren't obnoxious transplants with ego problems but nice girls born in the wrong place. The real reason truth, that no one will ever admit is that there arent enough hetero white men in this city. 

ariannahiggins
ariannahiggins

Why no discussion of the *quality* or treatment within these "dates". What is actually *going on* withinthese relationships we're all so desperate for?

Ask yourselves that first. 

jacap-mahboubi
jacap-mahboubi

I'm a men looking for relationship with serious women I don't want any kids for know I'm hard worker I live in New York City I'm looking for a nice women between 25and 31 we work to gather we can live better life

brooke194
brooke194

We should go out... Honestly that was damn refreshing! {*+*}

... I workout and am a happy gal.... Best blind date choice my friends say. Oh yeah!

industrialdiamonds
industrialdiamonds

@ariannahiggins Very accurate! i was born here and I am shocked at how the men act. They only check you out if your not looking at them or if they have on really dark shades. They are prideful and full of their large ego's, it stupid!

 
Loading...