By Pete Kotz
By Michael Musto
By Michael Musto
By Capt. James Van Thach told to Jonathan Wei
By Kera Bolonik
By Michael Musto
By Nick Pinto
By Steve Weinstein
Drunks still regale you with their unasked-for recollections of "where I was on 9/11." . . . Twenty-four-hour Duane Reades tempt you to bust out of bed in the middle of the night to buy more nail polish remover. . . . You get a text during lunch, then realize it's from the person you're lunching with!
Chants of "I love living somewhere where the seasons change" grow really old after the fifth blizzard in a row. . . . We're the only city in America whose mayor never gets caught in a sordid sex scandal. Doesn't he ever fuck?
People are always in your face with their unsolicited two cents. ("Why aren't you wearing a helmet?" they screech. I yell back: "Why don't you wear condoms?") . . . Other bike riders come at you like cannonballs, never ceding you the right of way—and they're always holding five plastic bags, for some reason. . . . The "dollar pizza" signs down the block make it hard to put your apartment on the market as a "swanky co-op in a chi-chi location. . . ." Ever since housing values plummeted, we've been getting an influx of mid-level dummos who can suddenly afford to live in New York. It's everything we thought we were safe from!
All the people who "friend" you on Facebook because they're such fans immediately start pushing you to go to some group art show on Twelfth Avenue where they have an erotic collage in the back. . . . There's a Real Housewife and her publicist every five yards. . . . We have all the same chain stores and theme restaurants as Middle America, but we pretend to be so culturally above it all. . . . We're actually below the norm at K-Mart, where some of the employees have no idea where anything is and often just stand there, as if in a K-hole. (Or K-Mart hole?) Is it that hard to find a light-up watch?
The edge is back, but only in the scary way, not the creative way. . . . The cost of a MetroCard keeps going up while subway service keeps going down. . . . Whenever a train stops between stations, that horrible pre-recorded announcement blares, saying, "There's traffic ahead of us. Please be patient." The train starts moving two seconds into the announcement, but it keeps on blaring. I'd be way more patient without it!
One significant patch of Christopher Street has even more rats than pedestrians (but at least they're gay rats). . . . People who used to go to nightclubs now join community boards to stop nightclubs from opening in the neighborhood. . . . There's a loud bar across the street from me! . . . To get into a club, you have to submit to carding, searching, prodding, and everything but sniffing dogs. At least a pat-down at an airport ends you up in the Caribbean. . . . Most bars try to double-charge your credit card for drinks. . . . There isn't a single DJ that plays a song that came out after 1987.
Any place that I love for good, cheap, quick food inevitably goes out of business. (Big Enchilada, Bagel Buffet, Michelle's Kitchen, Latin Corner, etc.) . . . By the time you get a table at the hot restaurant, it's not hot anymore. . . . Everyone keeps trying to drag you to trendy new neighborhoods in Brooklyn, forgetting that these places were the horror sites of your youth. . . . The football dramas and Beatles-impersonator musicals you avoided on Broadway—certain they'd just go away—end up running forever, taunting you like the devil's rain. . . . The worst reviewed—and most dangerous—show in town is the hardest to get a ticket to.
Stores are filled with things that would look great in your apartment—if it was five times larger and had a terrace, a garden, and a garage. . . . You can't even window-shop at thrift stores for fear the bedbugs will smash through the glass and gnaw your eyes out. . . . To buy candy at a deli or newsstand, you have to play a complex psychological game, quickly deciding whether you should bring the item to the register and pay whatever they say or boldly hand them a dollar and move on. (The latter approach always works for me, but it's stressful. I'm generally not that "take-charge.")
The Upper West Side feels like a foreign city that should secede. . . . But not as much as the Upper East Side. . . . Any time someone young and attractive approaches you on the street, you start blotting your lips for a photograph, only to be asked, "Which way is the Meatpacking District?" . . . The museums are so crowded that you can only see the top right-hand corner of every DaVinci etching.
Normally sensible people still wait in line for a cupcake. . . . You have to go to the far reaches of the outer boroughs to get my favorite obsolete food staple—a combination dish with fried rice, egg roll, wonton soup, and pineapple chunks. The fortune cookie says: "Forget about it.". . . You can be king of the world in certain demographics, but walk into a different one and suddenly it's, "What's the name again?" . . . Manhattan's big-gest thoroughfares, which should draw you to their majestic charm, are actually the skankiest places in town, absolute musts to avoid. (Think 14th Street, 23rd Street, 34th Street, etc.) . . . Ever wake up on a Sunday in Midtown? You want to kill yourself.
Koreans and Jews, two most greediest money hungry motherfuckers run the city. So much god damn nickle and diming going on its ridiculous. Expensive is one thing but its the value that sucks the most. Its not even close to the value of what you are paying. Anyone who lives there and make under $70k is a damn fool. People who live in NYC are miserable people. Thats why they are known to be assholes. Always bitchin and moaning about something. Mayor Bloomberg has been encouraging many movies to be made there like the shitty movie "New Years Eve", trying to portray NYC as this great place. DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE. You got people singing Jay Z's "Empire State of Mind" while they pay 3 times the rent amount while the size of their house is 3 times smaller than most states. No one accepts Credit Cards, its all cash business. Food suck unless you pay over $20. At least the Old NYC was more real. Today, its a wannabe boutique city, with boogie ass people bitching and complaining about anything. City is ran by UNIONS (MTA, etc) so they are unfriendly as hell. The weather sucks, and the party is not that great. It used to be the city that doesn't sleep but now its a yuppy city. The weather sucks ass, so when its a nice weather in NYC, its like NIRVANA and people make a big deal out of nice weather (because it does not happen often). I lived in NYC for 2 years and I'm so glad i got the FUCK OUT!
Here is the same feature written by someone who can write...
Was this meant to be funny? There was so much opportunity for humor and yet? And please tell me why this person is writing features in once-respected newspapers? Are they an intern or just someone whose grandmother once told them they could spell so they should consider a career as a journalist? I do not understand.
Your joke about mid-level dummos is disgusting. The one about wanting to be king of the world in every demographic is sad. Some others are funny or just show how arrogant you are. I don't really like you anymore Musto. You just lost a reader. Bye forever.
yeah, people who cannot afford an expensive appartment (trust me, I can), are dumb, naturally.. In what can kind of uebermensch ayn rand nightmare must you be living......it must be really annoying that your plumber moves in next to you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v... link is reason enough for anyone to hate N.Y.C. besides that "Native" New Yorkers are a permanent working under or second class who feel as though something as simple as a ride to the top of the Empire State building is above them and that "No one speaks English even works there anyway" attitude keeps them from enjoying anything that "WE" and our ancestors built.
My grandmother was ann Hughes ,she died when I was 8 she lived in New York and was not a part of mary or ralph or Dolores life they were raised in a convant in up state looking for infr.4@yahoo.
I Got A $400 X-box 360 Kinect For only $43.21. My brother Snagged A $830 Ipad 3G For $72.37…They arrive Tomorrow. I Wouldn't Ever Pay Retail Prices Again. I Recently Sold A 42-Inch HDTV To A guy at Work For $1200, I Paid $197.31 For It…I am not the only one who's doing this. There Are Two Sites we use, Both Are Good, BidsGo.Cöm And Snagbids.Cöm
Lombardi was actually a good play. We should be happy that such non-traditional theatre is a success. And Spiderman is no longer the hot ticket. Book of Mormon holds that title now, and it's a much better show.
Everything you wrote is true, especially the bit about BKYLN.I grew up in BKLYN, I can recall when we BKLYNITES were part of the bridge and tunnel crowd. every time I hear someone discuss BKYLN as if they are an authority on that borough I have to restrain myself from rolling my eyes way the eff up in my skull.People moved to Brooklyn because it WAS more affordable to live there compared to Manhattan, that is not true anymore.sick of the bull.
"we've been getting an influx of mid-level dummos who can suddenly afford to live in New York. It's everything we thought we were safe from!"
See, THAT shit's what makes me want to leave. Pearl-clutching elite wannabes that confuse consumer purchases with accomplishments. Once upon a time people moved here to do interesting things, instead of shopping and semi-pro narcissism.
My favorite reason of all: "You can't even window-shop at thrift stores for fear the bedbugs will smash through the glass and gnaw your eyes out." This made me fall on the floor with laughter! You're the best, chile!
I moved out of Manhattan a year ago after living there for 32 years. I divide my time between Dutchess County and Northern California. Haven't missed anything about the city and never want to go back.
People are much more open and friendlier everywhere else. And life is much easier!
"You can be king of the world in certain demographics, but walk into a different one and suddenly it's, "What's the name again?" "
That's one reason to love NY!
Corrections (I did a terrible job of editing): "drunks still regale [you]"; "[here] the drivers leave their cars"; ["] some group art show["]; ["]erotic["]; "here the far[e] keeps going up"; ["]to get into a club["]; "By the time you get a table at the hot["]; the prostitution district whic[h] ends up; foreign city that should [s]ecede"; ["]The museums are so crowded . . . ."; "[h]ere" should be here and "[g]get should be get."
Are you a Native New Yorker? In DC, drunks regale with their unasked for-recollections as to "where was I in 1776." The only twenty-four hour drugstores in DC are in the "hood" and there are only 5 twenty-four hour restaurants in the DC metropolitan area which includes the suburbs of Northern Virginia and southern Maryland.
Five of my closest friends went to SUNY Buffalo and I went to graduate school in Syracuse and the drivers leave their cars on the highway when it snows -- that is if they know how to drive -- which is a rare talent here. We're the only city in America where one loses count of the number of elected officials get caugt in a sex scandal and one can remain a powerful high government official Senator even after one drives a girl over a bridge and kills her.
Here two-thirds of the population doesn't have two cents two to their name and the other one-third could care less about that fact. We have one of the the highest AIDS in the nation precisely because neither the Gay or Straight residents know what a condom is.
Half of our bike riders ride with traffic, the other half ride against it and most ride on a combination of the streets and the sidewalks depending on which they can kill the most people which happens here on regular basis. The worst pizza in New York is better than the best pizza in DC and in DC, pizzerrias bring the housing prices up. The housing prices don't have to plummet here, we are guaranteed to get high-level dummos every four years at the very least.
None of the people who "friend" you on Facebook for the purpose of inviting you to some group art show, because out of the Smithsonian, we don't have art galleries worth visiting in any event and the residents don't know what it means to be erotic -- even in bed. We don't have housewives, because most have nannies, those who don't are on an angry website about what qualifies one as a good mother and their's nothing worth publicizing except sex scandals. DC hhas one of the highest crime rates in the nation, so here chain stores are where the residents get their leg shackles and K-mart means "drive by."
DC Metro cards are being phased out because the manufacturer has gone out of business and therefore the plan is to raise fares to the point that two-thirds of the ridership won't be able to afford the fare in a system which is losing money. Here, the far keeps going up and there is rarely a day when part of the system is under repair. During heavy snowfalls, all the many above ground stations have to be closed altogether. Prior to any train pulling into a station, the announcement for the next stop is either inaudible or spoken by somebody who does not know English even if they were born here -- especially if the were born "here." Whenever a train stops it's because somebody has been injured or killed in the system with the highest accident rate in the nation -- and it's never one of those politicians involved in sex scandals.
Here the rats aren't Gay, they are unhappy except for the ones in Congress. It's not the"people wh used to go to nightclubs [who] now join community boards to stop nightclubs from opening in the neighborhood," it's all the people from the suburbs who have moved into the city and force nightclubs out of business and restaurants and bars which have licenses to stay open past midnight to sign neighborhood agreements to close at noon. To get into a club, you have to show ID but nobody checks to see if you are carrying an IED. Most bars try to charge you for alcoholic beverages which are actually soft drinks . . . "There isn't a single DJ that plays a song that came out" before 9/11 and all the songs sound like the blast which took down the World Trade Center.
Any place that I love for good [expensive] food inevitably goes out of business" (Chipotle, Dunkin' Donuts, Cosi, etc.) and their are no more Jewish delicatessens . . . "By the time you get a table at the hot restaurant, it's not [your table] anymore . . . Nobody "keeps trying to drag you to trendy new neighborhoods," because these places are "horror sites" now. The only "football dramas" are about greedy managers, losing teams and felonious players. The only "Beatles-impersonators" in DC are bedbugs and "Broadway" is the prostitution district whic "end[s] up running forever, taunting you like "Rosemary's Baby." . . ."The worst reviewed -- and most dangerous -- show in town is the hardest to get a ticke to" -- that is Supreme Court hearings.
Stores are filled with things that would look great in your apartment" -- if you weren't homelesslike twenty-five percent of the population. . . . "You can't even window-shop at thrift stores for fear that [armed robbers] will smash through the glass," say "your money or your life" and kill you after you have turned over the money. To buy candy at a deli or newsstand," you have to have to have delis or newstands and we have neither. Here dollar stores are used to launder money.
Anacostia (the equivalent of post war -- that's World War II -- Harlem) "doesn't feel like a foreign city that should cecede" because it's a foreign country in a city with taxation without representation and the South is viewed as having won the War (that's the Vietnam War). "Any time some one young and attractive approaches you on the street, you start blotting your lips for a photograph, only to be asked, "Which way is the" Washington Monument"? The museums are so crowded, that you can only see the top-right hand corner of" every" Smithsonian cafeteria.
"Normally sensible people still wait in line for "bread. . . .You have to go to the far reaches of [Baltimore] to get my favorite obsolete food staple -- a combination dish" with chicken soup, roast beef, Russian dressing, a half sour pickle and real New York style cheescake (here cheesecake refers to female Congressional pages). "The fortune cookies says": Remember you can be king of the world in certain demographics" where "they all look alike" and you employ the US armed forces to kill them -- for peace that is -- and then walk into a different one and suddenly it's" Philadelphia, MIssissippi. DC's big-gest throughfare," which should help you gget around is actually the never to be finished Beltway. . . . "Ever wake up on a Sunday in" Downtown? It makes someboy else "want to kill" you!d
mid-level dummos who can suddenly afford to live in New York
I want to be a mid-level dummo and move from SC to NYC It is all relative
"I love living somewhere where the seasons change" grow really old after the fifth blizzard in a row -- (i'd love to see some of these bitter men and women sleeping outside in those temperatures while bitching about a younger generation who doesn't want to cater to a closeted existence that limited their lives -- and has that bitterness limited the potential of their vision now that the door has been kicked open? -- but, i'd love to see some of these bitter men and women as well as hypocritical churchgoing bigots out on the road werking the programs that do outreach for people in troubles and challenged. as i love the snow, but not the filthy delivery in some circles.) if edelweiss was something other than julie andrews padding her bra as gender fuck.
I miss not being old enough to take advantage of rent controlled apartments in manhattan as many from older generations did.
However, having moved to the west coast, I don't miss dealing with pushy control freak families like many new yorkers do.
As an older punk who saw bands in the 70's and 80's, I despise the plethora of indie pop and folk wussies that are popping up in the local music scene.
It's like the 2 guys from My Dinner with Andre flipped out, REALLY disagreed, got into a catfight on the dinner table, and you are standing above them, punching them both in the face. And it's ALL GREAT!
FABULOUS...SHE JUST NEEDS A REALLY FIERCE DOME...TEMP. CONTROLLED OF COURSE OVER THE WHOLE CITY & BECOME SOLOR POWERED... THE MEN ARE STILL SOME OF THE HOTTEST IN THE WORLD OR SEEDIEST ONES... THERES TOO TOO MANY QUEENS THAT TRULY THINK THERE RULING SOME COUNTRY... I STILL ONLY SEE A VERY FEW TRULY FIERCE DOLLS ANYMORE... EVERYONE LOOKS LIKE THROWN OUT SHREDDED XEROX CONFETTI... WOW MICHAEL, I'M GLAD "SISTERFACE" THOUGH WOULD NEVER JOIN A COMMUNITY BOARD TO STOP THE FIERCENESS... SORRY THAT HAS HAPPEN THERE FOR YOU ALL...WHO ARE THEY, I'LL START SENDING TESTIMONY NOW... SHE STILL IS THE MOST FABULOUS BELL OF AMERICAS BALLS THATS FOR SURE...I MISS MISS NEW YORK...ANYTIME MICHAEL NEEDS TIME AWAY YOUR WELCOME AT SISTERS HULA HUT...ALOHAZZZ ALL...XOXO
I would kill myself in three day living in NYC. There is no bigger hell-hole on the face of the Earth IMO.
Ha! I love it Michael! As a working DJ in this nightmare of a town (although I'm like you, and could never pack up and go) I will tell you, no matter how many people hit me up for "greatest hits of the 80's" I still play the most current and interesting dance music in NYC...mostly from europe and other places NOT in the US...but hey, I know you've been to one of my nights before in the past, and I welcome you and anyone else out there who's tired of hearing "wake me up before you go go" to my parties. they're free. look me up...you might just like what you see. xxDJ PONY NYC
Bloomberg and his minionsThe corrupted NYPDThe ever overpayed Yankees who care more about their fame than the old Yankee stadiumRude New Yorkers who don't know how to respect others
Damn, what happened to this city anyway???
I decided to "take a break" for the first time in my life from NYC. Two years later....my soul is aching to come back to everything good and bad about my hometown. At least I have the option of waiting on line for a cupcake at 11pm at night. At least I have the option of finding just about anything at 2AM. NYC is truly the center of the universe.
You should listen to Monique Bingham's "You Can't Have NY" - its your list set to music.
Those horrible musicians on subways who hijack your ride and want your money.
I stick my head deeper into my book but they won't go away.
I don't think that's true about dj's playing nothing after 1987? Although I don't go out much anymore. What about pedestrians in your neighborhood getting so aggressive that they bump into you trying to one-up you with how fast they're walking? This is part of the reality t.v. generation, everything's a fucking competition!
All all that being said , you make New York City sound enchanting . You should be on the committee for the new campaign for " I LOVE NY " . The visitor's center is calling your nameI love your article , and your witty sense of humor and cynicism , you are a laugh Riot ! . Thanks for " Spreading the News " about NYC, I am planning to stay right here in the simple life of Sunny San Diego . 1.00 PIZZA and Gay Rats ! love it !
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