By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES [March 21–April 19] This is an excellent time to study the book Assholeology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way. In fact, the cosmos would not only look the other way if you acted on the principles described therein; the cosmos is actively encouraging you to be a successful jerk. APRIL FOOL! It's true that you're in a phase when it makes sense to be a little extra selfish and eager to bend the world to meet your needs. But according to my analysis, it's crucial that you do this politely and graciously.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] It's a great time to get breast implants, a penis enlargement, or surgery to elongate your tongue. Anything you could do to yourself in order to make a bigger impression would be in alignment with the astrological omens. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said was a dirty lie. Here are the facts: It's high time to work creatively and appreciatively with what nature has given you, not try to force it to accommodate some soulless desire.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] Between now and April 16, you really should try to party every night. You should experiment with at least 100 different altered states of consciousness, and talk to at least 500 fascinating people, and change your mind 1,000 times. You need massive stimulation, Gemini. Be everywhere! Do everything! APRIL FOOL! While it's true that this might be one of those times that William Blake was referring to when he said, "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom," please take care you don't end up slobbering in the gutter without any pants on. Remember the goal: to actually reach the palace of wisdom.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] You have permission to brag like a coked-up pimp. You have my blessing if you'd like to act as if everyone in the world should be more like you. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating a little. It's true that you have every right to seize more authority and feel more confident and spread your influence farther and wider. But the best way to do that is to explore the mysteries of humble courage and ply the art of magical truth-telling and supercharge your willpower with a big dose of smart love.
LEO [July 23–August 22] What is your most far-fetched desire? I dare you to pursue it. Which of your primal wishes intimidates you as much as it enthralls you? I beg you to embrace it. APRIL FOOL! I don't really think you should try to carry out your most extreme fantasies. Maybe in a few weeks, but not now. I do hope, however, that you spend some time this week getting to know them better.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] If you develop symptoms like dry mouth, sweaty palms, or goose bumps in places you don't usually get them, you may be suffering from anatidaephobia, which is the fear that you are being watched by a duck. So please, try to avoid places where ducks congregate. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, you will not contract an exotic affliction like anatidaephobia any time soon. You may, however, notice yourself experiencing waves of irrational elation; you may feel like something oddly good is about to happen. Why? Because you are more likely than usual to be watched by secret admirers, future helpers, interesting strangers, and your guardian angel.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] If you're a straight man, this would be a good time to ask Halle Berry on a date. If you're a straight woman, you'll have a better-than-usual chance to get Jake Gyllenhaal to go out with you. If you're a gay man, you might want to try your luck with Adam Lambert, and if you're a lesbian, I encourage you to propose a rendezvous with Portia de Rossi. APRIL FOOL! I lied. It's never a good time to try to hook up with unavailable dream girls or dream guys. I will say this, though: You now have extraordinary power to turn yourself into a better partner, ally, and lover. And that suggests it's well within your means to cultivate a more exciting kind of intimacy.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] "Dear Rob: I just walked in on my boyfriend of over a year in bed with another woman. My mind is beyond blown; it's a splay of sparks in a drenched sky, a fireworks display in a downpour. Any advice on moving forward? Shocked Scorpio." Dear Shocked: I'll tell you what I'd like to tell all Scorpios right now: Start plotting your wicked revenge. APRIL FOOL! The truth is, revenge would be a dumb waste of your precious time. Any surprises that come your way in the coming days are basically disguised gifts from life to get you back on course. Use their motivational energy wisely and gratefully.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] It's an ideal time for you to explore the wonders of ecosexuality. Nature's libidinous pleasures are calling to you. How about trying some erotic experiments with trees and waterfalls? Or skinny-dipping in wetlands and doing skyclad seduction dances for the clouds? Or making out with oyster mushrooms right where they grow up out of a fallen log? APRIL FOOL! It's true that this is a good time to expand your sexual repertoire and seek out new sensations of intimate bliss, but it's quite possible to accomplish that by confining your erotic communion to human beings.