By Keegan Hamilton
By Albert Samaha
By Village Voice staff
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES [March 21April 19] In her blog, Jane answers questions from readers: Who would win in a steel cage match, Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny? Jane replied, Easter Bunny, no question; he has those big-ass teeth. But Im not so sure. My sources say that Santa has more raw wizardry at his disposal than the Bunny. Likewise, Aries, Im guessing you will have a similar edge in upcoming steel cage matchesor any other competitions in which youre involved. These days youve simply got too much mojo to be defeated.
TAURUS [April 20May 20] Dear Rob: Last January you predicted that 2011 might be the best year ever for us Bulls to commune with the invisible realms and get closer to the Source of All Life. And I have been enjoying the most amazing dreams ever. Ive had several strong telepathic experiences and have even had conversations with the spirit of my dead grandmother. But that God character remains achingly elusive. Cant I just have a face-to-face chat with his/her Royal Highness? Impatient Taurus. Dear Taurus: The coming weeks will be one of the potentially best times in your life to get up close and personal with the Divine Wow. For best results, empty your mind of what that would be like.
GEMINI [May 21June 20] I was reading about how writer Terry Pratchett made his own sword using thunderbolt iron from a meteorite. It made me think how that would be an excellent thing for you to do. I suspect that creating your own sword from a meteorite would strengthen your mental toughness. It would inspire you to cut away trivial wishes and influences that may seem interesting but arent really. It might even lead you to rouse in yourself the zeal of a knight on a noble questjust in time for the arrival of an invitation to go on a noble quest.
CANCER [June 21July 22] Over the years, I have on several occasions stood at a highway exit ramp with a handmade cardboard sign that reads, I love to help; I need to give; please take some money. I offer a few bucks to drivers whose curiosity impels them to stop. Ive always been surprised at how many people hesitate to accept my gift. Some assume I have a hidden agenda. Some are even angry, and shout things like, Go home, you freak! If a comparable experience comes your way anytime soon, Cancerian, I urge you to lower your suspicions. Consider the possibility that a blessing is being offered to you with no strings attached.
LEO [July 23August 22] Nearly all men can stand adversity, said Abraham Lincoln, but if you want to test a mans character, give him power. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, that thought will have extra meaning for you in the coming weeks. So far in 2011, you have gotten passing grades on the tests that adversity has brought you. But now come the trickier trials and tribulations. Will your integrity and impeccability stand up strong in the face of your waxing clout and influence?
VIRGO [August 23September 22] It would be a good week for you to assemble a big pile of old TVs you bought for $5 apiece at a thrift store and run over them with a bulldozer. It would also be a favorable time to start a blazing fire in a fireplace and throw in the photos of all the supposedly attractive people you used to be infatuated with even though you now realize that they were unworthy of your smart love. In other words, Virgo, it is a perfect moment to destroy symbols of things that have drained your energy and held you back. Theres an excellent chance this will provide a jolt of deliverance that will prime further liberations in the coming weeks.
LIBRA [September 23October 22] The style of dance known as the samba seems to have its origins in the semba, an old Angolan dance. In the African Kimbundu language, semba also means pleasing, and in the Kikongo tongue it denotes honoring, revering. In accordance with the astrological omens, I invite you Libras to bring the spirit of semba to your life. Use your imagination as you dream up ways to infuse your intimate exchanges with belly-to-belly reverence and enchantment. Be serpentine and worshipful. Be wild and sublime. Bestow your respectful care with all your slinky wiles unfurled.
SCORPIO [October 23November 21] In the Philippines, there is a geographic anomaly I want to call your attention to: a volcanic island in a lake thats on a volcanic island in a lake thats on an island. Vulcan Point is an island in Crater Lake, and Crater Lake is on Volcano Island, and Volcano Island is in Lake Taal, and Lake Taal is on the island of Luzon. Its confusingjust as your currently convoluted state is perplexing, both to you and those around you. You could be aptly described as fiery earth within cool water within fiery earth within cool water within fiery earth. Whether thatll be a problem, I dont know yet. Are you OK with containing so much paradox?