ARIES [March 21–April 19] In her blog, Jane answers questions from readers: “Who would win in a steel cage match, Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny?” Jane replied, “Easter Bunny, no question; he has those big-ass teeth.” But I’m not so sure. My sources say that Santa has more raw wizardry at his disposal than the Bunny. Likewise, Aries, I’m guessing you will have a similar edge in upcoming steel cage matches—or any other competitions in which you’re involved. These days you’ve simply got too much mojo to be defeated.

TAURUS [April 20–May 20] “Dear Rob: Last January you predicted that 2011 might be the best year ever for us Bulls to commune with the invisible realms and get closer to the Source of All Life. And I have been enjoying the most amazing dreams ever. I’ve had several strong telepathic experiences and have even had conversations with the spirit of my dead grandmother. But that God character remains achingly elusive. Can’t I just have a face-to-face chat with his/her Royal Highness? —Impatient Taurus.” Dear Taurus: The coming weeks will be one of the potentially best times in your life to get up close and personal with the Divine Wow. For best results, empty your mind of what that would be like.

GEMINI [May 21–June 20] I was reading about how writer Terry Pratchett made his own sword using “thunderbolt iron” from a meteorite. It made me think how that would be an excellent thing for you to do. I suspect that creating your own sword from a meteorite would strengthen your mental toughness. It would inspire you to cut away trivial wishes and influences that may seem interesting but aren’t really. It might even lead you to rouse in yourself the zeal of a knight on a noble quest—just in time for the arrival of an invitation to go on a noble quest.

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Revised and expanded 2009 edition of Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings

by Rob Brezsny




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CANCER [June 21–July 22] Over the years, I have on several occasions stood at a highway exit ramp with a handmade cardboard sign that reads, “I love to help; I need to give; please take some money.” I offer a few bucks to drivers whose curiosity impels them to stop. I’ve always been surprised at how many people hesitate to accept my gift. Some assume I have a hidden agenda. Some are even angry, and shout things like, “Go home, you freak!” If a comparable experience comes your way anytime soon, Cancerian, I urge you to lower your suspicions. Consider the possibility that a blessing is being offered to you with no strings attached.

LEO [July 23–August 22] “Nearly all men can stand adversity,” said Abraham Lincoln, “but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” According to my analysis of the astrological omens, that thought will have extra meaning for you in the coming weeks. So far in 2011, you have gotten passing grades on the tests that adversity has brought you. But now come the trickier trials and tribulations. Will your integrity and impeccability stand up strong in the face of your waxing clout and influence?

VIRGO [August 23–September 22] It would be a good week for you to assemble a big pile of old TVs you bought for $5 apiece at a thrift store and run over them with a bulldozer. It would also be a favorable time to start a blazing fire in a fireplace and throw in the photos of all the supposedly attractive people you used to be infatuated with even though you now realize that they were unworthy of your smart love. In other words, Virgo, it is a perfect moment to destroy symbols of things that have drained your energy and held you back. There’s an excellent chance this will provide a jolt of deliverance that will prime further liberations in the coming weeks.

LIBRA [September 23–October 22] The style of dance known as the samba seems to have its origins in the semba, an old Angolan dance. In the African Kimbundu language, semba also means “pleasing,” and in the Kikongo tongue it denotes “honoring, revering.” In accordance with the astrological omens, I invite you Libras to bring the spirit of semba to your life. Use your imagination as you dream up ways to infuse your intimate exchanges with belly-to-belly reverence and enchantment. Be serpentine and worshipful. Be wild and sublime. Bestow your respectful care with all your slinky wiles unfurled.

SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] In the Philippines, there is a geographic anomaly I want to call your attention to: a volcanic island in a lake that’s on a volcanic island in a lake that’s on an island. Vulcan Point is an island in Crater Lake, and Crater Lake is on Volcano Island, and Volcano Island is in Lake Taal, and Lake Taal is on the island of Luzon. It’s confusing—just as your currently convoluted state is perplexing, both to you and those around you. You could be aptly described as fiery earth within cool water within fiery earth within cool water within fiery earth. Whether that’ll be a problem, I don’t know yet. Are you OK with containing so much paradox?

SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] For the Navajo, the quality of your life isn’t measured by your wealth or status, but by whether you “walk in beauty.” It’s an excellent time for you to evaluate yourself from that perspective. Do you stop to admire a flock of sparrows swirling toward a tangerine cloud at dusk? Are you skilled at giving gifts that surprise and delight others? When your heart isn’t sure what it feels, do you sing songs that help you transcend the need for certainty? Have you learned what your body needs to feel healthy? Do you know any jokes you could tell to ease the passing of a dying elder? Have you ever kissed a holy animal or crazy wise person or magic stone?

CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] “He who wants to do good knocks at the gate,” says Bengali poet Rabindranath Tagore in one of his “Stray Bird” poems, while “he who loves finds the gate open.” I agree completely. That’s why I advise you, as you get ready to head off to your next assignment, not to be burning with a no-nonsense intention to fix things. Rather, be flowing with the desire to offer whatever gifts and blessings are most needed.

AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] “Once bread becomes toast, it can never become bread again.” Today I saw that piece of wisdom scrawled on the wall of a cafe’s restroom. I immediately thought of you. Metaphorically speaking, you’re thinking about dropping some slices in the toaster, even though you’re not actually ready to eat yet. If it were up to me, you would wait a while before transforming the bread into toast—until your hunger got ratcheted up to a higher level. The problem is, if you make the toast now, it’ll be unappetizing by the time your appetite reaches its optimum levels. That’s why I suggest: Put the bread back in the bag. For the moment, refrain from toasting.

PISCES [February 19–March 20] Don’t try so hard, Pisces. Give up the struggle. As soon as you really relax, your subconscious mind will provide you with simple, graceful suggestions about how to outwit the riddle. Notice I just said you will be able to “outwit the riddle.” I didn’t say you will “solve the riddle.” Big difference. Outwitting the riddle means you won’t have to solve it, because you will no longer allow it to define the questions you’re asking or the answers you’re seeking.

Homework: Compare the person you are now with the person you were two years ago. Make a list of the three most important differences. Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com.

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