By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES [March 21April 19] Imagine this scene, as described by Seattle-based video artist Michael Douglas. Sometimes a tree falls down in a field of cows, and the cows walk over to it and stare at it. It used to be standing and now its on the ground. They gather around it for months, even after, they forget why they started doing it. I think theres a comparable scene going on in your life right now. People you care about are in a daze, hypnotized by a certain rupture in the order of things that took place. In my opinion, its your task to wake them up, gently if possible, and motivate them to move on.
TAURUS [April 20May 20] Youre an animal! And I mean that in the best senses of the word. Your vitality is heading toward peak levels, and your body is as smart as it gets. If you ever wanted to explore the blending of grace and power, this is the moment. Give yourself permission to be a bolt of ingenious fun, Taurus. Play hard and sweet.
GEMINI [May 21June 20] Make the invisible dark force beautiful. That was the first line of the horoscope I wrote for you in my dream last night. Heres what came next: Create a song out of your moans. Brag about your wounds. Dance reverently on the graves of your enemies. Does any of this make sense to you so far? It all seemed perfectly reasonable and helpful in my dream. Sneak a gift to your bad self. Dissolve the ties that bind you to hollow intelligence. Seek the angel near the funky gulley that winds through no mans land. Dig for treasure in the muddy puddle where the single lily grows. Thats it, Geminimy dream of your horoscope. If you can align yourself with its spirit, I bet youll be primed for the waking-life opportunities that are headed your way.
CANCER [June 21July 22] Writing in the Journal of Medical Ethics, psychologist Richard Bentall proposed that happiness be reclassified as a psychiatric disordera pathology that should be treated with therapy. Happiness is statistically abnormal, he argued. It consists of a discrete cluster of symptoms, is associated with a range of cognitive abnormalities, and probably reflects the abnormal functioning of the central nervous system. If hes correct, Cancerian, you may have a problem. According to my reading of the astrological omens, youre about to be besieged by a massive influx of good feelings. It may be hard for you to fend off surges of unreasonable joy, well-being, and gratitude. So let me ask you: Are you prepared to enter into rebel mode as you flaunt your abnormal bliss?
LEO [July 23August 22] Two British men, Jack Jones and Chris Cuddihy, pulled off an epic deed in 2009. They ran seven marathons in seven consecutive days on seven continents. Each marathon was over 31 miles. Im not recommending that you try something as ridiculously excessive as they did, Leo, but I do want to note that youre now in a phase when your capacity for amazing feats is bigger than usual. Do you have any ideas about what you could accomplish thats beyond your expectations?
VIRGO [August 23September 22] What have you had to relinquish in the past 10 months, Virgo? What were you forced to sacrifice or surrender? Whatever it is, I predict you will be compensated for it over the course of the next 12 months. And the process begins soon. Its not likely that the incoming blessing will bring an exact replacement for the dream that got away. Rather, you will be awakened to an unexpected new source of excitement, thereby dissolving the lingering sense of loss and liberating you to rise again.
LIBRA [September 23October 22] If given the choice between having our lives change or keeping our lives the same, many of us would choose the status quo. We tend to feel that even if the current state of things is uncomfortable, its still preferable to having to deal with the uncertainty and fear that come from transformation. But I dont think you fit this description right now, Libra. Of all the signs of the zodiac, youre the one thats most receptive to shifting the mood and experimenting with the rules. Its easier than usual for you to imagine different ways of doing things. Take advantage of this superpower.
SCORPIO [October 23November 21] Hugo Chávez is the socialist president of Venezuela, not an astronomer or New Age philosopher. And yet he recently speculated that the planet Mars once had a thriving civilization that met its doom because its resources were drained off and poisoned by the excesses of capitalism. I love it when notable people go off-message and freestyle wacky fantasies, so I applaud Chávezs improvisation. May I respectfully suggest you consider indulging in your own version of this art form? According to my reading of the astrological omens, it would be downright healthy for you to depart from your usual raps and unveil some unpredictable self-expressions to anyone and everyone who think they have you all figured out.