By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
Dear Readers: Ever since the Mexican national soccer team thrashed the American side, 4-2, in last months Gold Cup final, Know Nothings have railed about how Mexis in the U.S. root for El Tri against the norteamericanos. Theyve invaded the Mexicans mailbox with preguntas sobre fútbol, so rather than answer them, Ill just reprint my two favorite soccer questions from the pastno need to reinvent the quesadilla, you know?
Dear Mexican: Why do Mexican soccer fans chant "Osama! Osama!" when their side plays the United States? You don't hear American soccer fans yell, ¡La migra! White Boy Dash
Dear Gabacho: You think hurling bin Laden's name is tasteless? How about the Daily Mail columnist who, on the day England faced West Germany in the 1966 FIFA World Cup final, wrote, "West Germany may beat us at our national sport today, but that would be only fair. We beat them twice at theirs"? Or the hooligans who greeted Jewish fans during a Lazio-AS Roma Italian league match with a banner that read, Auschwitz is your town, the ovens are your houses? This is soccer we're talking about, not Wimbledon. Offensive jeers are part of the game, and anyone who can't take the heat should leave la cocina. Jingoism is the main reason fútbol is the world's most popular sport and a global Two Minutes Hate: Countries and regions can spill their aggression toward one another out on the pitch and in the stands instead of on the battlefield. That's why Mexicans love to trash the United States when the two countries play. Ustedes exploit us, humiliate us, dominate us in every socioeconomic category, even beat us in soccerthe United States has finally become Mexicos worthy adversary instead of perpetual whipping boy. So instead of wielding knives, our best revenge is the clever insult, the well-timed chinga tu madre whistle, and the beer poured upon Landon Donovan as he triumphantly exits the stadium. All the great soccer-playing nations draw rabidly nationalistic fans, and the United States will remain a third-rate country until Americans cry Tacos! next time Mexico's squad invades el Norte.
Why do the Mexicans HATE American soccer and hate (bolded, underlined and italicized) Landon Donovan? Uncle Sams Army Brat
Dear Gabacho: Because Mexicans hate AmericansDUH! Geez, this is the literary equivalent of taking a penalty kick with no goaltenderbut I also want to plug Gringos at the Gate, an upcoming documentary answering this very question with game footage and interviews with Mexican and American fútbol fanatics, former soccer stars and your humble scribe. I gave your question un cabezazo over to director Pablo Miralles, who delivered a bicycle kick of an answer (OK, OK: A yellow card for me for too many bad soccer metaphors). On the first part: The average American doesnt give a shit about fútbol, so how can they be as good or even better than us Mexicans, who are the most passionate and loyal fans? Miralles asked the Mexican. As for Donovan, Mexicans will say that the hatred comes from when, in 2004, he pissed on the field of the sacred Estadio Jalisco, home of the revered Chivas de Guadalajara. But the truth, I believe, is that when he won the Golden Boot at the 1999 Under-17 World Cup (being the first player from this part of the world to win such an honor) and later the Best Young Player at the 2002 World Cup, the realization for Mexican fans set in that, for the first time, the best player on the field when the United States played Mexico was NOT a Mexican. Its one thing to be beat by a bunch of overeducated, hard-working, physical brutos, but the talent, the technical skill, the stylethese are the attributes of El Tri. So how can it be this güero is winning these awards, think Mexican fans? Unacceptable! Pablo, your answer was a GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!
GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK: El TriDUH! ¡Viva México, cabrones!
Well, you shit-skinned poor ass, uneducated, spics need to keep your asses south of our borders. You're not even proud enough of your own country to stay there! You have turned it into a shit hole. The USA dominates shitty little mexiho at everything. Keep chasing our pennies we throw off bridges you fucking losers. We don't give a fuck about soccer and we still kick the shit out of you most of the time. If you played real men's sports we whip your short, brown asses at that too.
That's because Americans are arrogant; they just want to dominate every sport, and every aspect there is to dominate. They're also sore losers, if one saw the game. Donovan personifies that I'm better than you because I'm white and taller than you brown skinned and short people.
America chants U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. to in hockey, futbol, beisbol, etc. The same way they chant U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. when Bin Laden was killed. To the Americans, there is no distinction between wars, killing a terrorist, or passing a bill for gay marriage. The chanting of U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. was more annoying than the vuvuzuelas during the last World Cup. To your average futbol fan, insults are just part of the game. But for the americans they take it personally. More reason why they should just stick to their version of football. I'm not Mexican, but am American, sad to say, and was rooting for Mexico in the Gold Cup Final, or for any team against U.S.A.
During the World Cup last year, I was at a pub watching the U.S. of effin A. play against Algeria, and England play Slovenia. The latter game was only on small screen while the rest of the big plasma TVs was playing the U.S. game. I was silently watching and rooting for England and when pretty boy Donovan scored that golden goal against Algeria, guess what le ze stupid Americans did? They doused me with beer. Just because I was watching on the England game and the U.S. game. Just shows you the average sport American fan. And I'm pretty sure some American reade reading this will probably say "yeah dude, you deserved it".
So Ole Mexico. F^c* U.S.A. And here's to you America the beautiful, God bless you and screw everyone else: U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.
Now go drink your brewskis, bros, and capture and waterboard more terrorists so that you'll have another excuse to chant U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.
Dude if you've got a problem with the US and the way we do things, then GTFO Holmes. No one is forcing you to stay here.
Ahhhhh, the typical response of a stupid redneck arrogant American, bro. "If you're not with us, you're against us", brah. Don't worry, I'm working my way out of this stupid country populated by imbeciles and ignorants. Now, go invade some third world or arab country to show your superiority and overcompensate for your tiny dicks. (Ever wonder why the U.S. of Arrogant did not invade or get involved in the Bosnian war? Yeah, the U.S. of arrogant would only invade or wage war against the colored people but not the Europeans, bunh=ch of little coward girly bitches). God Bless America the beautiful and screw everybody else, bro, brah, fuckwad. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.U.S.A.U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.U.S.A.U.S.A.U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.U.S.A.U.S.A. WoooooooooU.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.U.S.A.U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.U.S.A.U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.U.S.A.U.S.A. Wooooooooo U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.U.S.A.U.S.A.U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.U.S.A.U.S.A.